I've been working on a personal book for my family to read one day.  Truly a labor of love.  Days such as today are pensive and thoughtful.   However today I won't write privately, I think I'd like to tell this story publicly...

Today's little league games were rained out.  And I because of the rain I didn't want my son waiting in the rain for me outside school since we no longer live in the neighborhood.  When I picked him up he asked what our plans were. I said, "We are still going clothes shopping, just no game."  First we picked up his younger brother from pre-school, which is generally the other way around, but because of the rain...

I had to drop a letter at the post office and my youngest insists "I can do it dad, let me!"  I tell him, "OK, go straight through the doors and put it in the slot.  Ask people if you can't find it."  Watching him the whole way, I saw pride beaming off of him.  He strolls back to the car, "Did it!" 

"Yes you did." I answered with a wry grin.

We made it to the first department store on our intended trek but across the street was a Wawa and I figured I'd splurge on drinks first.  Me and the boys got treats.  I had a smoothie and they had vanilla shakes.  My younger son insisted on his own so I set down rules that he had to finish it and nobody was carrying it for him.  We got to the store with our treats and the boys were remarkably low key.  My youngest gets the cart and is pushing it about for a bit but eventually I wind up with it. 

My older son meets a friend from our little league team and his mother chats me up while the boys actually look at clothes and share 11 year old fashion insight.  Of course my youngest just inspects everything and occasionally tosses a "Dad can I have this?" at me.

She's a school teacher and tells me how her son was going on about my "Positive Energy" speech I gave to the kids after a win the other day.  You see, after each game I award a "game ball" sticker to one kid that had proven him or herself worthy of a gameball.  Her son achieved it at our Saturday game.  He was proud of his accomplishment.  She says that as they were driving home her son was saying.  "He's going to be there... he's going to be there..." and as they pulled up to the drive his fathers car was parked in it.  "He's here! Positive energy mom!"

I was flattered to think all I've said to these kids mattered for something, even if it is only in these small steps as of yet.  And I'll always believe this.... "If you never quit, you get there."  You can fail a thousand times but if you never quit, you have not lost, you have not truly failed.  You just have not reached the goal yet.  You will get there if you never quit. 

This train of thought races through my head as she describes how her son took that message to heart.

We leave the department store for the mall.   My eldest son speaks up, "Thanks dad for taking us to get us new clothes."  I think to myself... "Thank you son.  Thank you for appreciating this."

We get to the mall and as we leave the car the boys do their usual needling of each other but nothing over the top.   My youngest darts over and holds my hand as we walk.  I feel his small hands and soft little fingers.  They are still so tiny.  I think to myself, "This won't be like this for much longer." I relish the moment.  I really do.

We have dinner together in the mall and I'm proud to see my boys are having fun but using napkins and being civil.  It seemed we all noticed that we were apart the past few days and I say to my son, "It's good to have the family back together again isn't it."  My oldest answers, "Yeah.."  But he looks at me with a sense of thankfulness that goes way beyond his one word answer.  Because after that even my youngest took in the moment as we all said nothing for what seemed like an awfully long time.  We just knew enough to appreciate the moment.  We made our way through the mall, each of us pointing a direction or our own interest but ultimately sticking on task... clothes.

From store to store we went, accumulating bags and prized articles.  We finished at Gap Kids and there my eldest son settled on a nice linen shirt that he said reminded him of ones I had purchased from Abercrombie & Fitch.  I took solace in knowing he was not going entirely skate rad on me as he flexed his own fashion interests.  My youngest went on about the Indiana Jones T-shirt they had but he had already hit his quota of Star Wars Lego and Speed Racer T-shirts. I had to draw the line to which he handled it well.  While this debate was being settled my eldest is talking to the sales girl that is a school teacher, he talks about the three books he's reading and she is somehow not familiar with.  As we leave the manager stops me and says..."You have very well behaved boys."  I can't tell you how much this means to me.  While they can needle each other and tip my nerves from time-to-time, they make me proud more times than not.  They don't break things at stores, they don't pee their pants while I'm out... they don't make a fool of themselves or me.   I take great pride in these moments.  They don't come easy and yet they do.  I work hard at keeping my son's focused on what is important in life and how to respect themselves and the world around them.   I could hear "Your boys are well behaved" a hundred times a day and it would never mean less to me.

Our last stop was the book store.  My eldest spent a gift certificate on hardbound books which surprised me and my youngest agreed to have me buy him The Cricket In Times Square; a childhood favorite of my own.  We came home and the boys helped sort their loot then one went right to reading while my youngest curled up in a ball under my arm on the bed hanging on every word of the first two chapters of The Cricket In Times Square.  As I tucked in my youngest and left them in the darkness of their bunk-bed I heard them talking..."So what is your story about..."

Such is one day in my life with my children.  These days won't last forever.  In fact I know they are numbered.  Life is fleeting.  While I love women, and hope to love again... right now it seems hard for me to understand.  Somehow my life seems almost far too focused on my children.  I don't lean on them for support, but they do deliver me a happiness I had felt guilty of when I was married.  I'm free now to simply love my children without the fear of being put down for feeling such a way.  I must say I covet this time and have fears that another marriage could jeopardize all I've worked towards as a father.    I mean, the one woman I thought I loved was supposed to be the angel in my eldest son's life.  She was supposed to be a loving mother.  I had every reason to think she could be despite her words and actions.  It's that fool in me that thinks positive energy can overcome negative energy, or as some may say, "love conquers all".  I don't live in that world anymore.  Well, I do and I don't.  I'm just more realistic now and I see things for what they are, not what I hope they can be.

Yet this life with my boys is utterly perfect right now.  They love me and I love them and we have a sense of togetherness that I know cannot be destroyed.   At least not as long as we are together.   My children have somehow learned what I had to learn when I first fought for custody of my first son. They have learned that the time we have together is worth a lot.  It's not something we waste, AND we appreciate it.

Today is a snapshot of what I love and appreciate.  I have room in my life for so much more but after all I've been through, I must say that I have contentment in my life right now.  Should I not be with my children, I don't think I'd have the same peace I feel right now.  I'll work to deserve this feeling always.  I'll continue to earn it everyday.