I'm a single full time father.  Two boys both from different mothers.  Each year Mother's Day comes around and my eldest son; now eleven tells me, "Happy Mother's Day" and he gives me a kiss on the cheek.  He's been doing it for about four years now.  However when my ex-wife and I separated two years ago, the act of him doing this became a bit more heartfelt.  I never asked him if anyone put him up to it, but even this past weekend, Mother's Day 2008 he did it again.  It got me to thinking...

Children need parents that love them.  In a perfect world they will have a mother and father that are with them throughout childhood.  A mother to nurture them in the early years and a father to guide them and participate with them as they grow.  Along the way both lines between parents intersect.  It seems to me the natural order of things.  Children have parents, two parents.   While in case of  wild animals sometimes a mother is all they need, and at other times a father is all a wild animal needs, in the case of humans I can see a child can do no better than two parents, together.

So when for what-ever reason a child is left with one parent or more commonly now, split parents you have to ask yourself what does this mean to a child?  Look at mine for example, he tells me "Happy Mother's Day" and I'm his father. I know he loves his mother and she is a part of his life but as I have for most of his life been fortunate enough to raise him primarily...  I sense in him ...almost pity for me. Yes, you read that right.  Obviously he doesn't see me as his mother but he understands the scope of what he is caught up in.  He sees how lives are changed and even understands that is not normal.  I feel for him.

When I married, my son was a mere 13 months old.  He was still in diapers and didn't speak a word.  He did in fact grow to consider his step-mother his mother as much as his birth mother simply because his-step mother was around him more.  When we divorced she refused to ever speak to him again.   I won't go into those details, but it must be said in order to understand how and why my son is where he is at now mentally.   Is he normal?  I believe so.  Is he hurt?  Yes.   The outcome?  He at least had his birth mother to turn to and reconnect with her.  And of course during the divorce he leaned on me dearly.   He hasn't just thought of me as dad and mother on Mother's Day. How asks me, "How many mothers go golfing, fishing, to the zoo or to a baseball game with their kids on Mother's day?"    He has brought it to my attention on other days of the year that mothers can't be fathers, while fathers can be mothers.  

And looking at this situation through my son's eyes... I come back to what is and I think...  When I first fought for custody of my son, it made me appreciate every waking moment of being a father.  I mean that. So many fathers come home from work and take their kids for granted; they just want some rest and to get through dinner and some more rest.  That was never me.   I don't just relish compliments from strangers about me being a different and good father, I am honored to receive them.  People see me with the boys at stores or restaurants or where-ever and I continue to this day to hear compliments that take me back to why I even get them.  I get them because I live for my boys.  My life isn't centered around me and my interests.  It's about theirs and what they want.  I appreciate the time with them and know it is priceless.  The simple act of watching them badger each other during teeth brushing is something that puts a smile on my face.   You never get a moment back in life and if you lose it, the best you can do is justify your mistakes. 

My son respects me to this day and despite someone in my past whom used to repeatedly try and drill into my head  "He's going to rebel against you and then tell me how great a father you are".  I'm glad they said that to me because it made me twice as vigilant to my actions.  I understand that one day my children will grow to be their own men.   Between now and that time they are under my wing to teach and guide.  And yes, nurture too.

As a single full time father I've learned that for both men and women we have to somehow fill both roles as father and mother with our children.  We men must be nurturing and hopefully women are learning to have a catch or go play sports with their children too.   In today's world where time is a commodity, the most important thing either a mother or father can give to our children is time.   I don't want to be a mother to my children but I realize that when I spend this much time with my children, I must be as nurturing as I am a strong disciplinarian. 

Divorced and separated parents wear both hats. I've seen that men are in a better position to be both nurturing and teacher.  In general mothers have tendency to hold children back while fathers want them to stretch their abilities to their limit.  One simple example is letting your children play in the dirt.  Mothers frown on it, fathers go with it; and the reality is it helps children build up immunity to colds.  However a more wide spread example would be that mothers will choose soccer or ballet for a boy to participate in over baseball, football or hockey.  Why, in both cases it's in a woman's DNA to be protective and nurture and minimize risks.  Men are programmed differently and will measure what activity is too risky but not rule out more intense or contact oriented sports simply because they imply impact between players.  

I think of situations like this playing out all over America and the world.  If both parents are together, they have a common goal in raising their child.   When both parents are together they work together to achieve the best interest of their child or children.  When apart, the will of a woman becomes less of a compromise with the father and more of a conflict and yes it can work in reverse.  I'm not saying men are saints, I'm speaking in general.  

Parents have to be careful of this as one may claim dominance to get their way.  The outcome can be that the child's best interest isn't really served.

While you are not together under the banner of family any longer or may never had been... you must both realize you are still a team when it comes to raising your child or children.  I've lived it first hand with my eldest son's mother.   I've seen this first hand with other parents and I know on both counts it is possible.   What gets me is when I see divorced or separated parents work well together I ask myself... Why then be separated and divorced in the first place? But everyone has their own unique story and reasons for divorce.   It's always easier to tell people not to separate or divorce than it is to live through what they live through.  

Mothers have learned to be fathers, fathers have learned to be mothers.   This is the world we live in today.  For all you single fathers out there on Mother's Day, be sure to appreciate what mothers do even if you are not in good standing with the mother of your child. 

Look, as a mother or father to be the best parent possible you need to enjoy spending time with your children.  I think if you enjoy spending time with your children your children will love you as mother and father regardless of which you are.