I don't usually let on that I'm in a relationship because of privacy.  For today, welcome to a bit of privileged information.

I'm in a healthy relationship.  I've kept it under wraps a real long time.  The lady I'm with is giving, she is normal, she is upbeat, content, , has great family values, loves children, makes sacrifices, loyal to a fault and very very smart. She is also divorced.  BUT She doesn't bring any emotional baggage, not one iota.  I can say that as it's been almost a year and I've even met her ex husband and there is no tension. 

All of this is by no accident.  Frankly, I wouldn't tolerate second best.  Flat out.  They say once bitten twice shy.  You never understand it until it is you that is bitten. I've been bitten and I was twice shy.   When I started to date again I ran into a number of types, from women that wanted to cut loose after divorce (wanted to experiment etc...) to women that had their own issues which I saw as bad omens based on what I had FINALLY learned in exiting my own long term ordeal.  I just had no room to be a victim again.  I have no toleration for bullshit is what it comes down to.

And guys (and girls) that is what I'm writing about today.  I was reading a new article at askmen.com today while eating lunch and figured I had to weigh in as I often do.   The article was about "the other man" or "an ex" or "a threat" in general.  But for me I saw it as it applied to my life in my own past.  Before I get to my own diatribe, I do encourage you to read the askmen.com article: Is He A Threat? It begins with a letter from a reader outlining his problem and how he handled it.  The article continues with the advisor weighing in with commentary and further advice to all men.  In the end, the guy sees one too many red flags and he wakes up to smell the coffee.  He gets out of the relationship. 

How many of us men actually make that hard decision?  To walk away from something or someone we are with EVEN when we know it is the right thing in our life to do.  I call it bad medicine.  It tastes like hell going down, but it is good for you. 

I was in an abusive relationship, I was also a victim of adultery.  I was lulled in over years, I was conditioned.  Conditioned to take the blame, conditioned to believe what she told me, not what others told me, I was made to feel as though if I did follow every instruction I was somehow less of a man, or I was somehow not in her corner.  I also had children.  Having been through one child custody case once before, I didn't just know what to expect for my second son in a break-up, I lived it once already.  It is hell.  Not just for the parents, but mostly for the child.  I was willing to stay in a bad relationship (and convince myself it was normal or I could fix it) for the sake of my children. 

We men (and women) stay in relationships we should not be in for many reasons.  A woman may believe they are too old to find another eligible man.  She may feel she has lost her shape.  In general it's a self image problem that keeps women in bad relationships.  Sometimes it's money.  Women can tolerate a lot if the man they are with has money.   There can be many reasons, many of which seem noble although the ones I listed above are not so good.   The point is we all accept bad relationships when we should not.  You pay a price for the rest of your life by starting down a path your instinct may tell you not to go down. 

I found that you really should not settle for second best.  After my divorce it was imprinted into my soul.  When I returned to dating if I sensed the slightest of issues in a woman...  I got out.  That is a far cry from how I once handled my love life. And I believe you men reading this should take this advice to heart.  Settling is for practical people that don't believe or need love, and for them it is as easy as deciding where you plan on sleeping for the night.   The rest of us are human and want someone good in our life.  I warn you, if you begin a relationship with someone you shouldn't be with there is one regret above all others.  You don't get your life back.  If you gave them years of your life such as your twenties... you will never get that time of your life back. They now own them.  Your history can never be changed. You can't relive those years again.   My only advice after this has taken place is to forget the bad times and focus on the positive.  That is what I do.  Thomas Dolby said it well with My Brain Is Like A Sieve, "Sometime's it's easier to forget all the bad things you did to me."  You see, I've forgiven my ex, and although we don't speak (her decision) I have forgiven her and I moved on.  Most important, outside of my men's help articles, I don't recall bad times, I think of our trips abroad, weekends skiing together, how I taught her to speak English, use computers, the baby shower I threw for her, birthday's, and other good times. 

But for any good time I had, I somehow never wanted to admit that I was not being treated right, my family was not being treated right and that signs I should have seen, I ignored.

When I read the AskMen.com article Is He A Threat?, I see how other men see your life from the outside and how when you are inside that situation you fail to see your situation from an objectionable point of view.

JUST IN CASE ASKMEN.COM REMOVES THE ARTICLE HERE IS A COPY OF IT

READERS QUESTION
Hey Doc,
 
I’ve been following your principles for a couple of years now, but I’m at a loss for what to do in my present situation.

I met my girlfriend, Crystal, two years ago, and in that time things went great and I was happy. The thing is that she has a jealous ex, Zach, and although she has told me time and again that he is just a friend, I’m a little skeptical. He is actually related to her brother-in-law and is really close to Crystal’s family, so it’s possible she feels obligated to be nice to him. I told her a while back how I felt about this guy being in the picture, and after an incident in which he attacked one of Crystal’s friends (this friend is like her brother) in a jealous rage, I told her that I was walking if I ever heard of Zach being in her house again or if she has anything to do with him.
 
Well, today I went over to Crystal’s house to surprise her and she seemed happy to see me. After I was invited in, I heard a man’s voice from her downstairs bathroom calling her name. She said, “Zach is here, just so you know.” I said, “I see,” then calmly asked for my things and my house key. I said, “We’re through” and walked out the door.

EXPLANATIONS MAKE MUDDY WATERS
I went home and found an e-mail from Crystal saying: “You didn’t even give me a chance to explain. My sister came by to visit and she had Zach with her. She wanted to go to the hospital to visit my brother-in-law and Zach didn’t want to go, so she asked if he could stay with me and I said, yes. I’m sorry you are mad at me. I could see the hurt in your eyes. I hope you will forgive me. I do love you.”

So that’s where we are. I think I sent a clear message about how I felt, but before I met you, Doc, I would have given in immediately and tried to rationalize things. Whether this is innocent or not, Zach is the lowest of the low and he is dangerous. I told her I was walking if he came back into the picture, and I held true to my word.

Do you think I made a mistake? Is he a threat? I really did love this girl. 
Leon  (who’s had enough and is asking: Is he a threat?)

Doc Love’s Answer

Hi Leon,

One of the most important components of “The System” is a woman’s Attitude. There’s also Integrity. There’s Giving. There’s Flexibility. And the last area is called Scars and Baggage. This is where the wonderful Zach falls in the scheme of things. Leon, I don’t dig women staying in contact with their exes. Is he a threat? Yes. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When she lets the old boyfriends hang around, she’s basically spitting in your face.” To me, it’s anti-Loyalty.

If Crystal has familial obligations to Zach, she can be civil to him but she doesn’t have to be nice to him. And there is a difference, dude. In other words, when he’s around, she doesn’t have to be there and she doesn’t ever have to be in the same house with him. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, she sure doesn’t have to let him hang around her bathroom.”

MAKE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR
Telling her that you were going to walk was the right thing to do, pal, but here’s the more curious point: Zach keeps dropping by. He’s a constant presence in Crystal’s life. How is it that two whole years went by when you were going with Crystal and this issue didn’t come up sooner? Why did it take all this time for you to bust her on it?

Nevertheless, like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you deserve the Congressional Medal of Honor for breaking it off with this lady.” You’ve got guts, Leon, I have to hand you that. Ninety percent of the men out there would have overlooked what happened and not done a thing to stop it.

After this scene with Zach there was no reason for Crystal to explain anything. Like you said yourself, you’ve been through this already, and you told her, in no uncertain terms, what had to happen in order for your relationship to survive. What she should have done was gotten out of that house when Zach was there. Or better yet, she should never have let this guy in the front door in the first place. Period. If Zach is a maniac, if he beats people up, why is she letting him in?

CRYSTAL IS TRANSPARENT
Here’s what Crystal should have told her sister: “Zach can’t stay here. I’ve been in love with Leon for two years and he doesn’t want Zach here and so he’s not allowed in my house.”

But she didn’t do that. She didn’t even come close. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dawg, when you came in, maybe that boy was just stepping out of the shower!” Leon, she doesn’t love you because she committed an unloving act. Zach was off-limits and she allowed him into the house. This girl is not LOYAL.

Of course you would have tried to rationalize what happened between you and Crystal before you met me; like I said earlier, that’s what the vast majority of men try to do. But what happened wasn’t innocent. Crystal knew how you felt about this guy and she rationalized his presence because of her sister.

THE CRYSTAL SHIP IS SAILING

Crystal didn’t treat you in a loving manner and you did the right thing, and I commend you for having the courage to stand up like a real man. Again, you should have picked up on this a lot sooner and gotten rid of Crystal in the second or third month. You had two long years with this girl while this bum was hanging around -- a bum who, by the way, strikes people and is a threat.

Remember, guys: I don’t like dogs that growl and I don’t like people who growl.

To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

So dear readers if you are like me, you read articles like this and see in your own life how respect from a woman (or man) is really quite obvious.  You either have someone who cares for you and will do the right thing the first time or they will somehow make excuses, make it your fault and anything to shift attention (or blame) away from themselves.

I see myself in this guy. I was one of those ninety-percent of men that overlooked the obvious.  I was there, I wasn't blind, I just refused to accept the obvious.  OK.. I was a little blind, but it was because I wanted to be blind.  I was in love, I had a family etc...  You gotta wake up and smell the coffee guys.

As for me now.  Damn do I see the difference.  When you are in a healthy relationship, you look at unhealthy relationships and see them for what they are.