I received this e-mail just this afternoon.  I asked permission to post it as an article as I think is quite insightful.  I'll reflect on this ghost writers thoughts after...

I am sitting at my desk minding my own beeswax and I can hear the conversations going on around me...I am in an office primarily made up of young, unmarried women.  I remember being them...I hear their conversations and it resonants within me what it was like to be young and single and ironically, I guess I am kind of there again...although not as young anymore. ;o)

 

Let me explain what I'm hearing...this one woman has been dating someone exclusively for 9 months now and they began talking about living together.  They even went so far as to look at some places one weekend.  Now he is telling her that he wants to live with her, just not right now - that he feels like she is in some sort of race - a race to live together, get married, have babies.  As a result, she is pissed - he brought up the living thing in the first place, not her.  Now he's backing down.  Why do men do that?  Why do they have a fear of committment?  Why do they play hard to get or rather hard to tie down?

 

I do not doubt that she wants to settle down and get married.  I think most young women do still obsess over getting their men to commit.  I remember feeling that way - I remember being in a relationship and being told he just wasn't ready to be in a serious committed relationship.  It was devastating and crushing to hear that from him.  More than anything I just wanted to know I was wanted - that I was worthy of his love - it was like I was programmed to need that and I didn't know what to do when I didn't get it.  Eventually, that same man later came back to me and admitted he had made a mistake and he was ready to be with me.  If he was going to be in a relationship with someone he wanted it to be me.  So for me, I got what my heart ached for - I got the committment from the man I wanted.

 

I find it interesting that men are hard to nail down when they are young - it's like they are programmed to retain their independence for as long as possible - to sow their oats and live free before they commit.  I don't know that most young women feel this way - maybe during college years, but I still think instinctively, we want to be with someone - one person.  What's more interesting to me is that once we do get our man to finally commit, the female is more likely to have her heart change during the marriage whereas the man's feelings towards that woman are more likely to grow stronger and stronger over the years.  I believe it is hard for a woman to hold onto her love for a man when things go badly in the relationship.  And I don't just mean the normal tiffs any relationship must survive and work through.  I mean something big - something that would cause the couple to wind up in counseling.  I believe that once a woman's heart changes - once she doesn't feel love for the man she is with, she doesn't know how to feel that way again for him.  Her heart remembers every insult, every backhanded comment, every cold shoulder and while she may forgive these things, she can not forget.  She can not move past.  She can not remember how she once loved this person and she does not know how to feel that way again.

 

I have seen how a man, regardless of the bad times, can't imagine himself without his wife.  I think that once a man has truely given his heart over to someone, that it is hers forever and he will never let go of her.  And if the man is the one who wants to get out of the marriage, then he never really gave her his heart to begin with.  In general, men are less likely to hold grudges and they forgive far more readily than women do.  So perhaps that is part of the reason why a man can move past the problems in the relationship and still love like he always did if not more in the long run. 

 

So, the female ultimately does want to be with one person in a serious committed relationship, but if she is hurt or betrayed by the male, she may never feel the same way for him again.  The male, on the other hand, is not quite sure he wants to commit to one woman, but if he does take that leap and truely commits himself to the female he will do whatever is necessary to keep her forever.  There are obviously exceptions to both of these theories, men who want to commit and woman who don't.  Men who want out and women who want to forgive and stay together.  And then there are those who are fortunate enough to have found the person who they will be with forever and to somehow make it work for a lifetime.

 

As I think about this young woman in my office and they lifetime she has ahead of herself, I wish that I could tell her to be sure this is the man she wants - to be sure she can give herself to him completely forever, despite the hard times.  I would tell her to know who she is and be happy with that person before she is ready to say this is the man for me.  I think that as a woman, it is important to have your own identify first before that identity gets melded with a man's.  Perhaps, we shouldn't be so quick to want to settle down and know that the man we choose and who chooses us is worth looking hard and selectively for. 

 

Anyway, just some Friday afternoon thoughts...

I believe this writer understands men and women well.  However allow me to explain the man's perspective on commitments. 

I think I speak for MOST men when I say we want a commitment as soon as we can find one.  But when that time comes, or how soon in occurs comes with expectations that in a man's mind must be met?

Here is the dead on honest truth.  Men do need to feel they've found the best woman for them.  And they do put a value on the quality of sex, and many other superficial things that put their mind in place that once these needs are met, they don't care what happens next.  Why?  Because as the writer above surmises, once a man commits his heart, it is very hard to remove the bond.   Ladies, don't get me wrong. Men value your love more than you could ever know, but getting us to commit to that love is the key. 

Youth in men does play a role.  We want a great body, great sex and a personality that holds our attention.  There is a saying, we are all a genius until we open our mouth.  Men want to hear all the right things come from you as much as you want to hear the right things from us.

If you make a mistake in your words, if you let yourself go physically or anything is not right before we commit, then we don't warn you.  We move on.  Word's don't help, and they only make women angry.  Look at what was said about remember every insult or cold shoulder.  And by the way, this is why I don't toss insults.  In my marriage alone, I was the smartest man on the face of this planet.  I never told her what I really thought.  We'll I started to.  I tested the waters with some things and learned fast, my mouth was my greatest enemy.  I never told her she looked fat, I never said she was wrong to treat friends with contempt, I never told her many things.  And by the way... I never thought my wife was fat, I'm saying this to make a point.  Men for the most part, know not to speak their mind in the presence of a woman.  We all talk about being able to talk about anything... Not really.  And better yet, you can talk about anything.. you just need to be diplomatic and have a kind heart.  I digress...

Women find it hard to re kindle love because that is the way they are programmed.  Men find it hard to give up on love because that is the way they are programmed.  God made us that way.  I'll have to ask him why when I get to the pearly gates.

Meantime, I will say this.  Men take time in committing because they know they will really be committed.  That is a good thing.  Now having said that, there are exceptions to everything.  Women have affairs, men have affairs, and life is complicated.   But for the most part, men have good intentions in commitments.  It is the matter of having us commit. 

We all have good instincts.  I think.  But men have really strong instincts.   We have a strong sense of moral values.  If we compromise them, it's for a greater good.

What is the secret?  There is no secret.  He either loves you or he doesn't.  We all love for our own reasons.  Some are shallow (I've learned that) and some are deep.  You as a man or woman have to find a like kind. 

I think as men grow, they have learned to regret perhaps not accepting good women along the way, but that is life.  Men want the best they can get.  The want to know that when they select one woman to spend the rest of their lives with, will that woman fit a long list of pre-conceived desires and expectations.

Is her family normal?  Is her mother fat? (Yes, this is secret of every man, condemn me if you will, I'm just saying what most every man will never admit.)  Is her father abusive?   Is she down to earth?   What would my children look like if I have a baby with her?  Does she do everything I want her to do in bed?   Is she selfish?  Does she live for herself or live for family?   Example, does she love shopping or working more than being at home with family?  Does she want children?  The list goes on.  To name them all would be silly.  But we men do learn these things from the women we date and perhaps sadly the one thing we want to evaluate first is how good you are in bed.  Men are as carnal as they are endearing ladies, we are what we are.  Over time we learn that we made a mistake, we then don’t want to make another mistake and thus, we can make yet another mistake!  Men want to get it right, and you women pay the price on a number of levels.   In my case, I my ex had a number of extra-marital affairs.   Imagine what that does to any man or woman when the re-enter the world of relationships. I was married, but what of the men that never married and may have something similar take place?  The bar gets raised for the next woman that comes along, and it is not even her fault.  It’s never an easy answer to such a simple question. 

I remember when I sang in a band.  We used to practice in a large converted shed behind my friends home.  His neighbor was a church pastor.  One day we were packing up and the band was in the driveway talking to him.  We got to talking about how every man no matter how noble he appears and how righteous he is... He is human. Ladies, your prince charming are still just men.  The pastor wanted to illustrate this point when we crossed the subject of women and love.  You see my friend couldn't get over this ONE thing in a girl that loved him to death.  He just couldn't commit to her.   The pastor says, "Look, I dated this one girl and I thought I could love her, but she had this big nose.  I couldn't get over it." 

Even with a man of God, I learned that we men are all still men.  We are programmed the same.  From prince to commoner, we all have the same programming inside us.

Men want to commit only once.  We want to get it right and we sometimes go through a lot of women in a search to know the one we have is the one we will love cherish and obey for the rest of our life.

Good luck finding love everyone.