YouTube "single fathers raising children", nothing.  Google it, sales pitches and sob stories. 

Here is the deal. 

Ten years ago I won residency of my son.  Won is a terrible term, if anyone "won" it was my son, but it came a  price.  His birth mother made wild claims like I wasn't his father (my son and I were then tested), she created jurisdiction disputes and of course more lies that meant time to heal when it was all through.

I have read more than I ever care to read on men being destroyed mentally after losing custody or residency of their children.  It's hell, its a prison, is worse than any person can imagine.  The possibility of it looms over your head and you can't eat, you can't sleep well and you essentially live in fear and fight off depression.

I am a lucky man.  I know that.  I have said time and again every parent should fight for their child, they'd appreciate them more.  The act of them brushing their teeth, watching them play with siblings, watching them roll on the carpet with out a care in the world... becomes priceless. 

When I fought for my son, it changed me to the core.  I swore I'd make certain the courts would be proud of allowing me (that's right I felt honored to be allowed to be my son's father) to be my son's full time father.

I did everything in my power to learn every parenting skill needed.  Not because of the courts, but because the experience taught me what I had.  And even then, perhaps the experience of feeling I could loose what was most precious to me wasn't completely the reason I wanted to be the best father.  I had my own childhood to correct.  I wanted my son to have more friends, have activities after school, never feel lonely and more.  I saw my son as an extension of me. I wanted my son, my child to do everything I ever did, better.  I wanted my child to find their own way and I felt I had the history and experience  to help him lead a better and happier life.   Don't get me wrong, I wasn't miserable, I just wanted my son to enjoy everything I had, and miss out on the bad times by way of me guiding him.    I would warn him against drugs, smoking, drinking, and everything else we should all learn to avoid.

How can a father do this on a part time basis?  I remembered that every day.  I relished his first year on this planet and realized how short life is.  Wooosh!  Just like that he was one year old and I then came to realize just how short my own life is.  I knew I would be an old man quickly as my son grew before my eyes.  I felt I had so much to teach. I spoke to my son about everything he could never understand before he was two years old! LOL  But I had my heart in the right place.  I would tell him, "Son, never let anyone tell you can't do something. If you never quit, you get there. You can be anything you want in this world."  Great advice for a two year old eh?  I settled into my role and learned so much about being a father.  I knew I was good at it, even for my silly advice sessions that were too complex for a baby to understand.  What he did understand was riding on the back of the stake truck at Home Depot or Lowes was great fun, he was with dad and we were going to paint the shed together.

So here I arrive at my ultimate point.   Do everything with your children.  From painting, to standing next to you while you cook.  Teach them everything you can and they will draw closer to you.  You can't always be their friend, but you are their ultimate role model.  They will get angry if you get angry, they will cry if you cry, they will learn to communicate if you explain to them WHY you don't want them to play ball in the house, because the ball can break things and some things can't be replaced.  "Do you want us to never have the big TV again? Then don't play ball in the living room or home, because it can easily break the screen."  This is of course just one example, but everything counts with children. Everything.  There are no questions too small to answer, and frankly you should live for them.  Encourage them.  Building things together with your children is everything.  We build model cars, rockets to fly, lego buildings, log cabins, train tracks, and the list goes on.   Play games with your children, it creates a time in which you can talk, they open up their world to you when you do things together from house work to play time.  Our best time of the day is breakfast and dinner.  We three sit together and I find the interaction between my sons tells me what kind of day they had.  They open up to their thoughts, they say funny things that make us all laugh.  We draw closer.  The suddenly blurt out their fears or wants and you find yourself helping them more and more. 

What is hard here is when I see men denied time with their children, they lose every ounce of this opportunity for closeness.  Time is the most important thing you can ever give to your child.  I speak to my son candidly.  He has grown up fast because of things in his life I can't speak of here now.  I let him know openly, "I don't want to suddenly find you are coming home to close your door to your room with no interest in sharing your day with me."  I let him know, "I will do my part son, you will need to do yours. It's a two way street." 

I don't talk down or preach to my son, but I do correct him and maintain the role of authority in his life.  That respect makes him a better person when he leaves me. I tell him, "You will know how good a person you really are when you do the right thing and I'm not around to tell you."

How can children get this strong sense of moral guidance without a father to lean on, live with and share their hopes and fears with.  You can answer, that a mother can offer these things.  They don't always and they certainly don't fill so many other roles a father does.   With all due respect to women whom like sports, for each of you that does like sports, there are 20 more that could care less.  Of those 1 in 20 that do like sports, another 1 out of 5 of them don't have the knowledge and/or physical ability to get out there and participate fully with their child.    Have you ever even seen a soccer mom kicking a ball back and forth with her son or daughter?   I hate to sound like this is a man's only territory but it is for the most part.  While some women can and do participate, at least they can, MEN can't give birth so we are completely at a loss there.  When my child's bike chain came off his bike, I had to work hard with my hands, take things apart and repair the hub.  What would a woman do?  Call a man.  Pay to have it repaired.  I sat with both my boys by my side learning the purpose and uses of the tools we used.  They learned about leverage.  They learned how to think ahead on problems.  All because of a full time father.  We accept we cannot have a baby, you should accept that men have an important role you are not "entirely" fit for. Hats off to the few of you that can and do work well in this role.  People... imagine all the part time fathers that may be crying right now at the prospect of NOT being able to repair their own child’s bike.  I assure you it is happening.

Having said all that, men have learned in this modern world to embrace sensitivity.  Men have just an easy time being loving and kind as any woman.  This means we men can actually ...I hate to say this, offer a child more.   IF WE DECIDE TO BE A FULL TIME PARENT. 

And apparently MANY more men than ever in history are saying, "I want to be a full time parent."  We say this inside marriage and outside of marriage.  This is not only a divorced or single father issue.  Men have always been seen as breadwinners and as the "rock" in relationships or marriages.  Why then in divorce are we suddenly labeled "incapable" what changed so suddenly?  The answer is nothing.  We are still the same good men. 

Granted, for you women reading this with abusive husbands that put things such as work before family, I'm not speaking to you.  I'm speaking to the men that know they are good, strong, sensitive, capable and willing to be full time fathers.  These men may for whatever reason find themselves divorced or never married with a child to raise. 

Remember ladies, for those of you reading this... we know in reality you can be catty, sassy, gossip and hold a grudge for a lifetime.  We on the other hand, let your harsh words and nasty deeds roll of our back.  Look at me, I have a great relationship with my 11 year old son's mother.  I have full custody and despite what was said and done to me many years ago, I have not spent a day in family court with her since then.   My point is that as a man, I didn't hold a grudge, I didn't race off for child support against her and I didn't look for ways to disenfranchise her from his life.  

You see in every case, once a judge has made a decision to award custody or residency, do you think that judge or commissioner goes home and ponders your life afterwards?  Six months or four years later is that judge aware of what goes on between you two parents or how your child is faring?

The answer is no.  As far as I can tell.  In fact I couldn't even tell you my original commissioner in my case 10 years ago.   But if that commissioner were to know all that has happened, she would have learned that fathers do make great full time parents.  That fathers take the role perhaps even more serious than women because we don't just love our children, we are an integral role in many facets of our children's lives. 

I don't have to make a case for being a full time father. I have been one for over 10 years now.   I began working from home so that I could pick my children up from school; so that I could prepare breakfast and dinner. The list goes on.  I never thought for a moment my life could be lived as a part time father and to those men that are denied this right, my heart is sad for you.  I have been on the cusp of losing my children by people whom put the might dollar ahead of my children's best interest.  I know what it feels like to think you could lose your children for NO GOOD REASON which leaves you feeling like life is entirely unfair and no matter how good you are, no one sees it.

I've been there.  I know you pain.   The advice I'm giving is to NOT give up.  Do not let anyone minimize your GOD given right as a father.  You have the right to a part of every choice and facet of your child's life.  You should want it in your soul.   While it's right to have a life again if you are divorced or single, the fact is your children are everything, they come first and you heart must be with them on all things.  What kind of day did they have at school today?  Who are their new friends?  What sports are they taking an interest in now?  The list goes on and on.

The secret is there is no secret.  You can be as close as you make yourself.  If you can file go back to court every two years for a new hearing, exercise that right.  If you don't have the money for an attorney, do what you can as best you can.  A judge or commissioner won't disrespect you for doing all you can with the means you have at your disposal.  Of course, most of all, try to get along with your child’s mother.  If she is just willing to be as human as you are on the matter, she will understand that both of you deserve to be parents, not only her.  Time heals wounds, if there are wounds.  If she is just plain evil without a moral compass, then I feel sorry for you.  You only hope then is the help of the courts.  Make sure the courts know that you and the courts are raising your child in good faith and they will perhaps give you the nod in future hearings. 

I could go on about this subject but if you take anything from what I've said here... its that your time is the most important thing to give to your children.  Any moment you spend with them is of value, not just playing games or throwing a ball in the park, but doing work around the house together.  Whatever time you have together is of value.  Courts will understand this if your heart is in it.