The other day I e-mailed out a private article for a number of my readers. It dealt with divorce and custody on a number of levels. Over the past year I've found many men are like me. They are real men, yet they are involved fathers that in many cases take on the primary care-giver role like myself. Yet something happens... we find ourselves resented and cast aside by "practical" women that really had no sense getting married if they didn't understand what true love is in the first place. The only good news is that by divorcing us, you allow a good woman to take your place and appreciate a good man.
The bad news is it is a road that we men can almost never endure. So many men honestly... don't have a chance in court against a woman. Unless you have been in court before, unless you see the writing on the wall and take steps to protect yourself, or unless you just happen to be a man that performs all the primary care giver roles without question and plenty of proof of it.... Well, you end up like this man that replied to my e-mail article. I'll call him Nick. I asked for Nick's permission before posting his reply. See for yourself ladies and gentlemen, men like me are not alone. There are thousands of us out there. There are possibly a million.
Hi Lars,
Thanks for the article. I'm sorry to hear how bad it really was for you and your children and the sad truth of it is that I get you. I can understand totally how it could be. I lay awake at night for hours worried about the same sort of thing happening to me. Happily, at the moment, my ex is giving me time with my son but I have to controll myself and my anger so much so as not to rock the boat. Unfortunatly I dont always do this successfully and then it starts with the threats of not getting to see him on the days we agreed upon. Then, of course, I have to backtrack and appologise. But it pisses me off that I have to appologise as if I was the one who did something wrong. I hate the fact that she holds the power in relation to our son. After all, wasnt it I who practly brought the boy up for the last two years, wasnt it I who stayed at home and fed him and changed his nappies while she was out being brought to lunch in fancy resteraunts and shaged in an office. And she has the gall to tell me that this other man did the things with her that she wished I had done with her. Well how could I? I was looking after our baby. And when she came home after her 'hard' day at work, resented the fact that I would want her to take over the responsibility of looking after him for the last two hours before he went to bed. Despite the fact that most days I would have to get ready to drive a hundred miles or so, play a gig, drive back and be up again the next morning to do it all again.
You can probably guess that I am a bit bitter about the whole thing. I am. I am, because I gave up so much of what I was before I met her. Truthfully I am a better person for giving up many of the things I was but with them I also gave up a lot of good things about me..My family tells me I lost a lot of my 'happy go lucky' personality, my social aspects. That I used to be a pleasure to be around and that after being with her for a couple of years that was no longer the case. I hope I can bring that back into my life.
We have not been to court to discuss visitation rights or child support. I give her money every month and she lets me see him. I have had legal advice and have been told to keep it as it is because if she wanted to, the courts would give me less time with him, at least untill he was older.
I dono Lars, why do these things happen? i was always a good man to her, treated her well and gave her everything that I could. and I know I was- and stiil am when I am allowed- a great father. Like you said in your article, I will hope for my own justice. Sometime, somewhere surely I will be rewarded for this.
Thanks for keeping in contact as I know you have your own life to be getting on with. But it sure helps to tell someone and get it off my chest.
Wishing you and yours all the best
Nick
I read Nick's words, "I was always a god man to her, treated her well and gave her everthing I could." I know those words as I remembered myself as that man in my own marriage.
It's hard letting go. It's hard facing the reality that the person you once loved really thinks of you as an object, not a person. You are obstacle and thus being cruel to you is as meaningless to her as flushing toilet water down the drain. You are nothing to her. If you were dead, she'd be happy.
Once you come to terms with that, you will no longer feel sorry for yourself remember how good a man you were. At least as it relates to that one person.
Which brings me to the very next sentence.... "and I know I was- and stiil am when I am allowed- a great father."
That is all you should focus on now. Respect your child’s mother in the context of her being your child's mother as I suspect you are fighting to do, yet never let yourself be confused by what you once had.
If your ex is like mine, you never meant that much to her in the first place. Wrap your head around that. Get your mind back to the children. It is no longer about you and your ex. It is certainly no longer about the direction of your relationship. One day they will have grown, they will have profound respect for you. They will have a bond with you that is "real" not manufactured. And sadly your ex will pay a steep price for duplicity.
You seen in my private e-mail article that my concerns show my humanity. Yet what the world sees in you is just as important as what your children see in you. Show them what they need to see.
Last up, I see in you what happened to me too. I was a very upbeat guy before I married. In a bad marriage you find that your sacrifices are ignored and ridiculed as insincere. You build a wall around yourself to protect your self esteem. And in order to become that impenetrable man, you lose that innocence, that spark and that fun side of yourself that used to make so many people around you smile. In this case... you can blame a bad spouse for this. I feel you brother. I know that sadness. But here again I can tell you, I came through it. After divorce I put together a serious game plan. I later outlined my experience for others with a "Mens' Guide to Divorce - A Man's Guid to Separation." It honestly worked. I've done things that I don't post on my blog, I've found that old self of mine that makes everyone smile. You will too. The good news is your prison life is over.
I'll e-mail you my private advice, but openly, I want everyone to see that I'm not the only man that is a good father and was a good husband that got taken by a practical woman.
Once you find someone real, then give my Marriage Manifesto a read. It's not as much a how to as it is a "means of knowing what you have is real" guide.
