Men, I have full custody of my first son.  In nine years of raising him, I kept myself out of the family court system. A testimony of my own ability as a father. I married, had another child and sadly, like in that quote in my part one article (Single Fathers Fighting For Custody: Understanding Divorce), I was suddenly flattened one day with divorce papers.  I should have seen it coming, but honestly I didn't.  That is another story.  My point is that I have two son's of which I'm still a full time father.  I'm in the fight of my life for one of them.  But the present situation is not as bad as what it could be.  I feel lucky while I read so many articles about how men are just getting ripped to shreds in the court system.  I look at my own situation which should have been open and shut, but has been made cloudy for what should be obvious reasons to you other men in custody battles. 

I'm lucky.  And I' reminded of how lucky I am when I read stories like this:

There have been a rash of father suicides directly related to divorce and mistreatment by the family courts over the past few years.  For example, New York City Police Officer Martin Romanchick, a Medal of Honor recipient, hung himself after being denied access to his children and being arrested 15 times on charges brought by his ex-wife, charges the courts deemed  frivolous. Massachusetts father Steven Cook, prevented from seeing his daughter by a protection order based upon unfounded allegations, committed suicide after he was jailed for calling his four-year-old daughter on the wrong day of the week. Darrin White, a Canadian father who was stripped of the right to see his children and was about to be jailed after failing to pay a child support award tantamount to twice his take home pay, hung himself. His 14 year-old daughter Ashlee later wrote to her nation's Prime Minister, saying, "this country's justice system has robbed me of one of the most precious gifts in my life, my father."  - Source- Glenn Sacks

I'm brought to my knees emotionally when I see how children are victimized by parents hate.  I too have been that same victim.  I won't discuss real details of what has happened to me as my case is still awaiting trial.  I'll let the lawyers handle that. But my friends and family... my loved ones have seen how I've been victimized while the other party then goes to their lawyer and friends and tells them bits and peices and literally lies to others to gain sympathy.  I used to fight this by trying to get the truth out. I've since learned... a leopard doesn't shed it's spots and that every person that meets her must cross their own bridge.   And that is my advice here.   Let people learn the truth on their own.  You may need to help it along the way, but be careful not to be misunderstood as angry.  For instance last year I had false police reports filed against me.  I stood those tests and was found not guilty.  In fact a the person pressing the charges lied to the prosecutor the day of the trial and the charges were dropped before even entering the court room.  

Then, when the other party did things that warranted actual police calls.... they played it off as "he said, she said." or That I was in a tit for tat.  That was not true, but it didn't stop them from playing that game.  Their friends went forth thinking what was told to them... "This guy is really out to get you!"  So behind the scenes, I make the gesture of dropping charges or not pressing them.  The joke was on me again.  Instead of taking my actions for what they were, they took those actions and misrepresented them to others saying... "See, he had no credible reason for pressing charges."   I lost either way.  Nothing I did was going to be seen as geniune or kind.  I gave up.  What I should have known was that the truth speaks for itself. Even then, truth delayed is justice denied.   Much later... people that were lied to saw my actions for what they were really mean to be, and fortunately as I've advised others...  "The truth always comes out in the end."  It came about for me. 

You can see how it all gets pretty complicated. How can a man get a fair shake?   Had I not already proven myself as a good father for 9 years, who knows what would have happened next?  I had custody of both my children at this time and I was made out to be the agressor.  I laugh at it now.  I should have just ignored it.  And that is ultimately what I'm telling you to do men.  Ignore the evil.  Ignore everything.  Focus on being a dad and NEVER let anyone get in your head about what you are doing right. 

All in all, I almost feel guilty being one of the few men that still lives in the home my children have been raised in, with both boys at my side and most importantly TOGETHER.  I cherish every moment and I do not waste them.  From studying with my children casually on the floor to doing the dishes together and of course playing, these are things I know many men would give their left arm to do without worrying... "I've got two hours left, I've got to return my child to their mother..." and then the sadness creeps in.

I read so much about how men complain.  I read so many complaints that it makes us all look bitter and angry.  And then women come along, read what we have to say and think... "Look how bitter he is, he must be angry, no wonder he's divorced."    Ladies... these men get bitter because they were minding their business in marriage, they may not have been perfect, but they were good men. I've seen way too many to believe all men are horny, selfish, mindless beer drinkers that avoid their kids after coming home from work.   Many men have wives that cheated, abused them or simply had issues accepting a good thing when they had it.  Because our family court system gives women great chances in court, it is no wonder they rationalize "why not take the easy out" when it avails itself? 

I myself without ever having one police call mad on me by my ex had to laugh at my divorce papers that she was a victim of abuse by me.  From physical and mental abuse to demanding sex.  It would have been laughable had I not been so damn shocked.   But that is the platform a woman will use. It's tried and true and gets them from point A to point B.  Once the divorce was final... no one heard a word of abuse, validating my point.   And we men are forced time and again into a defensive posture.  It's sad when a innocent person has to prove it.  Don't be fooled men.  In this country you are not innocent until proven guilty. You are guilty until you prove you are innocent.  Say an innocent man has nothing to hide... then try dealing with it in the courts.  You run out of money, you run out of resources...  it can destroy a man.   Yet so many of us men have NO CHOICE but to go on with what is left of our family and life we once worked hard to establish.  Custody battles tear at a man's soul.   I refuse to get into the feelings you have for your children.   It's far too hard to discuss.   Men are not animals to be taunted and played with through their children.  There are countless cases of men being destroyed emotionally for life because an ex-spouse sent messages back to him through their children.  Men are ripped apart emotionally by being forced into weekend dads.  You get some time at the park, you have dinner.  Life is on pause most of the week and then you get a glimmer of what life once was when your children get to visit with you.  This is a nightmare I couldn't fathom yet so many men have to live it. 

Women love romance, women love love,  they love sensitive men and feelings are so important to them in every aspect of a relationship, but when it comes to divorce or custody... it's amazing to us men at how cold and impersonal they become.  It's as if they never knew us and we were some purse snatcher or rapist that walked up and assualted them; when in fact we are the father to their child, the person that promised to love cherish and obey.  We deserved much better than the fate of divorce.  But life is not fair and we men, have to learn to accept that.  Or fix it.  And that is what is happening here.  These men's sites that look like they are just complaining are not just complaining.  They want change. They want to fix this mess. 

Look, I'm a firm believer that if you want to complain, fine.  But you better offer a solution otherwise you are just bitching.  And I mean NO disrepect but this is where the term bitch was assumed by women.  I know of one person that said with pride, "It's OK, he knows I'm a bitch" and she said this not just once.  She was proud of it.  There are bumper stickers proclaiming this.  It's wrong.   When you complain without offering a solution, you are bitching.  If you are a lady reading this, I suspect you may be laughing to yourself, "Yeah, and you can't do a thing about it can you pal?"   You can laugh if you want, but it is that attitude which will ultimately ruin your life.  How can you possibly be happy with that outlook?  It can't be all about just having a leg up because we men hope you'll be fair only to see you use it against us.  That cycle must end. 

Pausing a moment, read this article and come back to finish reading what I've got to say:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/483318927.html

So many men try to please their women.  Do they try too hard?  What is enough?   I do admit, part of me is in that article.  The part of knowing I'm a nice guy and that I know the person that left me will one day hate themself for all the pain they created for so many people that cared about her.   But by then, the devicive and cold heart that took years to melt in her, will have long ago changed the people that cared for her.  The people she hurt will have moved on a long time ago.  I'm lucky.  I moved on. I felt sorry for myself for about a month.  I got over the fact I was treated like a male breeding experiment and I got well, I got back out into life and hardly missed a beat.  I'm happier than I had been in years and my children are in a better place emotionally. They have scars that we are trying to heal, but the future shows all signs of working out for the better. But so many men don't get this break.  I want to help them.  I want to help them as read about their heartbreaks and the lives stolen from them.  So many men are expecting life to treat them fair and find that just being a real man with honest feelings is not enough. It's far from enough. In fact it is even played as a weakness. How many of you have ever had someone say to you, "Be a man!"  while scratching your head as to how such an assinine statement could be made towards you.  In the same breath you felt guilty!  That mental abuse most likely went on much further than that simple attack.  I'm glossing over this point, but mental abuse from women towards men is much greater than men towards women.   We men are masculine creatures and we are expected to be able to handle anything because we are men.   Speaking for all men, it's not easy being a man in a man's world.  We have so many roles to fill and political correctness demands even more from us.  Let us face it, if you are divorced, chances are you faced some very mean spirited verbal attacks while biting your own tounge because you knew for the rest of your marriage, she'd never forget anything you said.  For me to mention a woman verbally attacking a man with "Be a man!" is a powerful attack.  And in the end, you were confused as to what a man was after that attack.  When should you stand up for yourself, and when should you yield? You would never hurt your wife, but you wanted your self-respect left intact.  Emotionally you took a beating.  You were resented falsly because someone else never really cared.  It's just that simple and you figured it all out when it was too late.  When it was over.  When they had already pumped and dumped you.   This is all before a divorce.  Now you are single and want what you earned all your years of marriage.  You want what remains of your family.   More women are initiating divorces now than men.  In today's world, men are now the oppressed.  Men are now the victims.   We men need to admit to that and not let pride get in the way.  The empowerment of women is a good thing, but like anyone with power, it can get abused.   Men, don't be afraid to get help mentally.  If you are a man reading this and are going through all this... realize you are not alone.  There are resources.

I don't know why men in movies don't seem to be as real as what men are in terms of compassion and decency, but men are short changed in this world and many of us good guys really get taken advantage of and made fun of for being so sensitive and naive.  Whatever.  I could punch any guy just as hard as he can punch me.  I can take a punch and it still proves nothing.  I'm not afraid of any man.  And still that means nothing.  What means something is that I have values and ethics that my children should grow up to embody.  They are and will be my legacy.

I have learned in this past year of my life that I am NOT ALONE.

If you found me, then I need to share some of my resources to you other men.  I hope you do what is right with your life and avoid the trouble that found me. 

Next...  Single Fathers Fighting For Custody - Part Three: Positive Men's Resources

Missed Part One? Go Back and read: Single Fathers Fighting For Custody: Understanding Divorce

Stop back tomorrow for the continuation of this article...