I’d like to revisit the term blame shifting or blame shifter as I’ve discussed it in past articles.   In an ongoing effort to reflect on the values of this era and to help others avoid victimization by a blame shifter; it is important I keep the concept of “blame shifting” forefront in your awareness.

What is a blame shifter?  A blame shifter is someone that does not accept responsibility for their own actions and portrays themselves as a victim in an effort to deflect the blame from them self and onto someone else.  This accomplishes two goals for the offender.  It absolves them of responsibility, and effectively makes someone else responsible.  A blame shifter will demand respect while giving you none. 

Now before you decide… “Come on Lars… blame shifting?”  I would contend that blame shifting has been around since the dawn of time.  Look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.    What did Adam do?  He blamed Eve for taking his first bite from the forbidden fruit.  He blamed Eve for giving him the apple rather than answer to God, "Yes, I ate of the fobidden fruit."   So are you on board yet?  I hope so.  Oh... and by the way... it didn't work then either.  God made them both accountable for their actions.  Just thought I'd get that in as an aside. :)

There is old football saying… the best defense is a good offense.  If you are always on offense, you have no less need or no need to defend.  This is the essence of a blame shifter.   Besides, no single raindrop believes it is the blame for the flood.

A blame shifter’s classic maneuver in the context of a mundane setting is to mirror. 

Here is an example…

MAN: I have a headache.

WOMAN: Oh yeah, well I have a headache too and you gave it to me.

You see in a blame shifters flight from reality they demand you see the situation from their perspective, of which only they are right.   This strategy in conversation is impossible to reason with.   In short, you cannot reason with a blame shifter.   You could catch them with their hand in the proverbial cookie jar and they will somehow, someway make you the reason their hand was in the cookie jar.  That is how it works for the blame shifter.  Look, a person that has done the unreasonable act will obviously not want to take responsibility for their actions, it doesn't serve their cause.  Blame shifting to them is a natural reflex.  It is a reaction they rarely control. 

WHEN DOES A BLAME SHIFTER ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY?

A blame shifter will only accept responsibility if there is something greater to gain for themselves at a later time.

BLAME SHIFTING BECOMES AN INSTITUTION

We live in a culture of victimization, a blame shifters paradise.    Blame shifting has established itself as an institutionalized strategy in the working world.  "The secret of success is knowing who to blame for your failures".

Blame shifting has established itself as an institutionalized strategy in relationships to reality game shows to the court system.

In the context of more serious issues such as a court of law, the blame shifter will only meet with limited success as judge’s limit who can and cannot be a successful victim in court, especially in appellate court cases… you see appellate court cases decide matters of law, where as trial court cases establish the facts.  It’s like the old saying, if at first you don’t succeed, try again.  Appellate courts are used when a defense doesn’t like the outcome of a trial and appeals to a higher court ...but I digress.

Look at any major trial in the headlines today; go ahead… pick up your paper now.  Open your web browser to CNN’s home page, find any criminal trial and examine the defenses position.  They’re defense position is an offensive position.  You will find them attacking the victim, reversing the roles! 

A blame shifter will politicize.  This behavior is practically an art form.  They dodge acceptance by using related facts to support their argument.  Example:

SON AT BIRTHDAY PARTY: (He’s opened all his gifts and innocently asks his parent) Where is my gift from you xxx?

PARENT IN FRONT OF ALL GUESTS: It’s not your birthday.

In this case the blame shifter played a political game to avoid responsibility at that time believing that others later will not press the issue or simply forget it.

Blame shifting arrives in everyday life when the blame shifter develops contempt for you.   At this point the blame shifting is displayed subtly.

SUBTLE BLAME SHIFTING

MAN: I have a headache.

WOMAN: Oh yeah, well I have a headache too and you gave it to me.

Despite the situation outline above being a harsh reality, I personally find this conversation very amusing.  You have to laugh… how can reason with such a person?  You can only walk away from a conversation such as that, there is no real communication possible from your perspective.

Blame shifting is most noticeable during tenuous or pointed issues where high moral regard is most obviously being ignored.  Take for instance a doctor’s recommendation…  The blame shifter and their counterpart attend marriage counseling.   After a number of visits separate and together the pair reach the day they are given the counselors recommendations.      The counselor advises that the blame shifter (we’ll call them person A.) is someone that does not handle stressful situations well and is indeed the agent provocateur in the relationship.  The doctor recommends a drug can be taken by person A which will help them cope with stress more rationally.  The counter part in the relationship (Person B.) is relieved to learn that a paid professional has validated their own concerns and awaits Person A’s response with optimism.   Rather… Person A rejects the Doctors assessment and boldly proclaims to Person B. “She is not a doctor, she is a social worker!”   Person B can only walk away from the situation and think to themselves, “If a paid professional can’t reach person A, there is no one that can help.”

Here you see a blame shifter at their best.  There is no person at any level which the blame shifter will abide by or be reasoned with.  A blame shifter really is someone that has their own agenda and for the most part will react to any situation reflexively to protect their own self from what they perceive as would be attackers.   A blame shifter has established in their mind they are always the victim.   Their victim mentality is their adulterated moral compass (excuse) to which they have justified their actions before manifesting.

HOW DO YOU WIN WITH A BLAME SHIFTER?

The question you may be asking after all this is, “How do you win with a blame shifter?”   The answer sadly is, “You don’t.”  A blame shifter lacks the moral compass to understand they are at fault.  A blame shifter only understands mandates and can rarely be reformed.   Remember to a blame shifter, they are already the victim before any situation has taken place.  A blame shifter can only learn from forced accountability.   A blame shifter is someone that always faced down the word, “no” with “yes” and ultimately always got their way.   In the context of a relationship, a blames shifter will run you over time and again until you stand up for yourself, and ultimately you must leave a blame shifter, which can be hard to do simply because of an emotional bond you may have built up with this person.  Your history and investment in that person become harder to break with every day you remain in the company of a blame shifter.  However upon leaving them, they will be vindicated by your breakup of the relationship and in keeping with their instinctive modus operandi, it will be your fault. 

Editors Note: This article was orginally drafted in November 2006