What does it mean to be a single parent let alone a parent? Ultimately it means sacrifice.  The life you once lived for your own wants and desires takes a back seat to the importance of your children. 

Have you ever been to a store where a child comes off as annoying yet their own parent dotes on them?  Or better yet the parent simply allows their child to go on being annoying without any real concern.  Either way you only see an annoying child.   But... when it is your child.  Everything matters.  They are your entire focus.  The little things they do while you are waiting in line, matter.  The words they say, the mannerisms they display.  If you are a good parent, you pick up on all of it.

My children and I go everywhere together.  Except for my specific days off as a full time father of two... I can tell you we are joined at the hip.  We rely on each other for discussion.  My children learn as I teach.  I'm always getting questions that come from all over.  "Dad... what is the longest pass ever made in a football game?"  And yes... I'm expected to know the answer.

My little one's questions are easier because I've already been through it once before for the most part.  But they never get any less important.   The most amazing thing to me is how both of my children sponge up information.  My youngest son exhibits everything you'd expect to have read in a book about younger siblings.  He doesn't just "try" to keep up with his older brother... he expects to keep up.  He keeps up. 

Both my boys feed off each other for knowledge, entertainment and companionship.    They both in turn, come to me for guidance, refereeing and thankfully... entertainment.   Of course they expect meals and such but on a whole, as a family we have been learning to live without any interference of love for a while now.

When I was married, they boys were just coming of age.  Before my second son was born I recall prepping my older son for months.  I explained to him that he was going to be "the big brother" and that his little brother would look to him for musical tastes, what games to play and everything about his life would be a pathway to follow.   This worked out perfectly and I suggest anyone looking to have a second child, do this.  Explain how important your older child is to their little brother or sister to come.  They will respond, mine did.  And while there is the constant needling of each other, my boys are glued together and do in fact not like the idea of being apart.  Not from each other, and not from me.  We talk about our life and how things have changed.  They both have their own mothers that love them and of course want to spend time with their son's but in the end, there is no way my children would want to live outside of the three of us.  I won't go into details here as I'm still knee deep in a court custody battle, but I can say that my children are taking this whole ordeal as best one can hope for.   What I find most important is to keep things as normal as they had been before my divorce.

I asked my son just today...  Was the house clean before I was divorced?  "Yes." Was his answer.  Is the house clean since mom is gone? "Yes." He answered again.  I made this a point of discussion after we found from visiting someone’s home that lost a mother... that home had changed drastically.  It was no longer clean and no longer a place you wanted to step inside.  It just seemed like a bomb had hit it.  I guess I see why most people think men can't be good parents.  But that was never the case for me as I learned in marriage the importance of keeping your dignity and respect.  A dirty home meant you had no class.  It meant you didn't respect yourself.  It meant you didn't care enough about your life.   So when I divorced, the fact is my life didn't skip a beat.    For the most part my children's lives have not been altered except that they now spend time apart that I ultimately see correcting itself.   Again, another story.

My point to all this is that if you are a parent, single or married.  Your life does not belong to you.  You can see that even the act of consciously knowing my home should be kept clean was something you come to the realization over when you have children.  You are their future.  And if you are a man like myself, you want your children to do everything you ever did, better.  I tell my son's that all the time, "You will be better than I, and I will be proud of you."

I tell them stories all the time too.  Stories to teach them how to live life so that one day when they leave me, I won't bet rushing to teach them all my little useful outlines for life.

I may not be as cunning or as polished in my education as others.  I may not come from money.  I may not be many things, but what I do offer my children is "class".  I offer them a sense of family, what is left of it. 

And for what it is worth, I do believe that marriage is the ultimate prize for any child.  While mine ended for the saddest of reasons, and the person I was married to was not a person I really ever knew (I thought I knew this person), I can say that there were good times.  As hard as they may be to remember, and as much as those memories were a ruse for someone else’s gain...  I have to remember those moments so my children can remember them.  And here again, even if I was done wrong, whatever the case may be.... My children deserve the good.  They deserve to know that they are loved by all and that no one is trying to own them or divide them.  Perhaps one day they may want to choose sides, but that will never be by my hands.  I'm focused as always on the thing that matters.  Family.  My children and I are Hindsley's.  No one can ever take that away from us. No one can ever take our name and no one will ever understand our sense of pride and self-respect to the degree we do. 

If you have family, you may be doing the same.  If you are married you are relying on your whole family unit for all I've discussed above.  If you are single, you covet the closeness with your children many take for granted.  While on my days off from my children I can turn the dial and re-connect with the single me that can dance, sing and do most everything...  I cherish the simple moments of sitting and a dinner table looking at my boys, and being a part of their unusual but oh so important conversations.

I fought for custody of my first son.  The pain of what took place was something I swore I never would put myself through again.  I learned from that experience something most married people never understand.  That every moment, ever second you are with your child is important.   Those moments are more than important; they are incomprehensible in the appreciation you have just to be there.   You no longer send your children to brush their teeth; you hang out with them while they do it.  You don't just read a bed time story; you become part of it because your children demand it.    You certainly don't lament ever taking them anywhere such as the hardware store or grocery shopping.    You are all a team that works together and you love ever minute of it.  You actually get as much out of a trip to the video store as you do to the skating rink.  Everything counts.  Every moment is worthwhile. 

Every parent should have to fight for their children and they'd appreciate them more is what I've said for years since my first custody case.

Now...  Well.  If you are a friend you know the hell it's been.  The false accusations, the character assassination, the lies.  And sure it all means nothing, except when you have some attorney trying to paint that same picture to a judge, then you realize, "these lies really do hurt!"  So don't get righteous on me folks.... walk a mile in my shoes and you'd understand.  The fact is if their was no judge having to judge me some day next year… I wouldn’t give a rats ass what was being said about me.  But I’ve learned my life is on trial folks.  People will go to no end to get their way and if lying about who I really am is a means to end, then I’ve learned that lying about me is fair game. Despite all of this… All in all, I have to look beyond that distraction and compartmentalize that part of my life and I just keep doing what I've been doing for years.  Be a good father.  I miss my wife, the wife I once knew or thought I knew... whatever... :)   But I don't have to miss my children because they will always have me.   And that is the reward for being a good father.  The love and bond we share.

This is my gift to you for the new year my readers.   Just be a good parent and the rest will take care of itself.  It doesn't hurt to have faith too, but that is for the those of you that actually believe in God and don't just use the idea as a crutch.  

So at least you all know why I held on to marriage.  I didn't want my children to suffer all over again.  I didn't want them separated and would have accepted just about anything to keep them from going through busing from mom to dad and back again.  I wanted "normal" for them.  I wanted them to not have to leave school to go visit mom, I wanted them to leave school to come home and play with family and friends... to do their homework and finish their chores before they went out to play.   I wanted a life for them that didn't mean "adjusting". 

For all of you that may have wondered.... Is he bitter?  Is he angry?  Yes I've been bitter.  I don't get my nine years back after being betrayed. I can NEVER express what it feels like to have someone use you in such a way.  What happened to me goes well beyond simple adultry.   Oh the story I hope to tell there for the adults in another forum.   But I'm not angry.  Don't for a moment think I'm angry.  I've stated that I forgive what happened to me.  It would do me no good to be angry as it is just a wasted emotion and wasted energy.  Again.... I won't go on here as I have a book to finish and I'd much rather you pay to read my amazing tale.  I digress...  and look, I'm not endorsing that any of you "tolerate" abuse for the sake of your children.  Life is complicated and sometimes some of us don't realize we are being abused, at least not to the level others outside our situation would advise.  While I could try and warn the world about abuse and abusive people... in the end.. every man has to go down his own path and live that journey for themself.  Men can't really be told to avoid a pretty face as we all think we are "different".   In the end... we all have to make our own decisions as to how much we can suffer for our children.  If you are like me, you'll suffer anything for your children and do it with a smile as you drown.

Folks... don't lose sight of what I'm saying here.  Love your children like you may not have all this time with them.    No matter who you are, you can lose them.  Look at the celebrities in custody battles.  Everyone of us become a parent and need to understand that it goes so much further than parenting. It's about values, and family.  The term family values should really be read as family value.  Value your family.    When that hits home... if it registers with you, then you'll live it.  You can't fake it, you have to feel it. You either have it in your or you don't.    Perhaps for some of us, you need a trigger for that instinct to take over.   Until then... Just remember that a true parent gives their child the most important gift of all ...their time.

God Bless... Lars Hindsley