THIS IS SERIOUS ROAD MAP TO HAPPINESS AFTER DIVORCE OR SEPARATION
This is a man’s guide to happiness after divorce. Women need not read one word of this as it is something that may cut at your very core. No, that doesn’t mean this is mean spirited. It is truly a man’s article for survival after divorce. There is NO woman bashing here, and although divorce requires separation of a man and woman, this article is for men to understand your solution is NOT a woman. And only if you use my solution, will you be able to return one day to the dating scene and make a good woman part of your life again. Because the world is full of great women. You simply, and unfortunately are separated from one you didn’t belong with. And in time, you’ll learn how good it is for you to NOT have been with the woman you are now apart from. However I cannot be any more clear to you men, and Emerson seems to agree with me, "We must be our own, before we can be anothers."
BACKGROUND – WHY I CAN HELP
Imagine you are happily married. Well sorta. In my case I was way too blind in love to see problems before me. ("People only see what they are prepared to see" -Emerson) Things I'd rather not discuss and never will. But in the end you "perceive" yourself to be happy; we men know how to make the best of any situation.
Then the rug is pulled out from under you. You find yourself approaching mid life, you have children and other concerns that make you wonder if there is life after divorce?
Well guys I got through this and you can too. It didn’t take me years, it took months. So if you want help, I know I can give it to you.
I’m writing this article specifically to help you men as I too looked long and hard for a book on this subject geared for men and guess what, there are none! There will be soon though if I have anything to do with it. But until then, let me offer this help to you men that are good men and find yourself suddenly separated or divorced.
THE INITIAL SHOCK
I had friends tell me they felt like the biggest losers with a capital L on their forehead after they divorced. They spoke of great loneliness and suffering depression. I wondered if this would be my fate. After all during my separation I was being vilified and attacked by the other side to a point that I was ensconced in the emotion of withdrawal, and too wrapped up in trying to fix things that I didn't accept what was happening. I wanted my marriage back. And that is what I think many men may not be willing to admit but had gone through like me. And you should know, being depressed at a time like this is not only acceptable, it’s normal. You are not a freak for feeling hurt; if you are not hurt then you don’t need my help, or anyone’s help.
NO HELP FOR ABUSERS, CHEATERS AND LOSERS
Mind you, I think you need to be the good guy here. You guys that cheated on your wife, or abused her or the children or simply were too selfish to know a good thing when you had it, don’t need to read any further. This help is for the real men that are both strong and sensitive. I don’t mean a metro-sexual guy, I mean a guy that simply is well rounded and has no mental hang-ups. I'd say more but I don't want to look like I'm picking on anybody. :)
YOU NEED A PLAN
There is a point to all this; I want to offer men hope and perhaps a solution or game plan to happiness after divorce. So here we go.
POINTS ON THE CURVE
I’ll get you from one end of the curve to the other. There are points on this curve in the form of keywords or keys.
FIRST KEY: It’s Not Your Fault
The first key to being a happily divorced man is first understood it’s not your fault. This is HARD, and can take months to fully accept, let alone appreciate.
SECOND KEY: You are single, not divorced.
Next, know that you are not divorced. You are single. If you are a parent, then you are a father. If you are not a parent, you are simply single. Forget the word divorced. That word only applies to your ex-wife.
THIRD KEY: Find happiness with yourself first.
Understand being single doesn’t mean it’s time to go looking for a new relationship. You have to be ready for one first and if you are newly separated or divorced, you are not ready. You have to find happiness with yourself before finding it with others. This can take weeks, months or years, but keep your eye on the ball. Focus on you first.
FOURTH KEY: She Regrets It.
Next you should know this. In my research I’ve found, and I’m dead serious is that your ex lives with regret. Now we all hear the stories about how men won’t ask for directions when lost etc... Whatever, this is an old wives tale (no pun intended). We men know different, we are not stubborn Neanderthals. If you are like me you resent the commercials on TV where the woman knows how to open the baby stroller in one click while the guy stares at her in amazement because he could never be that smart. And here is the one fact you should never forget no matter how hard she tells you otherwise. She regrets leaving you.
Women are the most prideful creatures and they will never let you know they are hurt or have regret, but they will let others know, especially their girlfriends which is another story; the point is they do regret losing you. What does this mean? Well it doesn’t mean you go running back to them. Remember women are the most prideful creatures, they don’t do “sorry” or “I was wrong.” Remember all those fights she started yet you had to say you were sorry? Nothing’s changed guys. Just because she regrets it doesn’t mean you should try and go back to her. If that is to ever be, let her make the first, second, third and every move thereafter. Otherwise you will make an ass out of yourself with my advice half used. No, what it means is that you are worthwhile! You are valid as a man that is good. Prep your self for the next better woman should one come along, yet another story for a chapter in a book.
UNDERSTANDING HER REGRET – WOMEN INTERNALIZE
I’d like to wrap up the regret issue. Women that divorce regret divorce on many levels. They find out that they not only lost a companion and source of kindness, and friend... they learn they lost their history. They live in the past. Remember how your wife would bring up something you did wrong by them from months or years past? Remember how you knew it was ancient history and had no bearing on your relationship today ...BUT! To her it did! Guess what guys... even in separation or divorce it still does to her! But only now you are gone. Now she is alone to remind herself and only herself of her mistake. Meanwhile how do we deal with those exact same past problems? We forget them. It’s just not that easy for a woman, I don’t know why but that is how it is for women. They could be reading this article right now and say, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you!” and still not be able to forget things. So believe me, she lives with regret and reminded constantly.
She is stuck with that regret from the day she made the decision to move on to the day she dies. Sadly this is just how women work; are they all like this? No, but most are. While a woman will internalize things, we men move on. We accept things, they refuse to accept things. This doesn’t make women bad; it is just what they are. That is why God put men and women together in the first place, to help each other through our knuckleheaded ways.
Unfortunately divorce was never in God’s plan and this is where things get ugly. Now this article is about how men can go on, because women have tons of books on the subject and we men don’t have any books. So any woman reading this will have to accept that we men don’t get much in the way of support and understand my goal is to help other men through what can be the worst time of our life. Understand, men do give their hearts to one woman; it is a big adjustment for a man when he actually commits to one woman and she decides she wants something more, and turns away a good man.
REBUILD YOUR SELF-RESPECT – RESPECT YOURSELF
You men out there need to get this into your head. Just because you were rejected by one woman doesn’t make you a reject. Love is complex, women are more so. But if you respect yourself, and that is were this starts, you have to know that you are the same person you were before you married. Grab a-hold of that, embrace it and enjoy it. Revel in it. You are a good man and even if you are stuck under a rock with no hope of ever meeting a decent woman again, it still doesn’t change that simple fact, you are a good man. Should no one ever notice, it still doesn’t change you! You are a good man. Remember that. Yes, even when you are home on a Monday night wondering if you have to watch a DVD or TV show. And frankly guys... don’t do either. Now is time to find yourself new interests. Small or large. I say keep it small, it makes you less dramatic. Hit the library, join a co-rec volleyball team, join a book club, rollerblade in the park, ever want to learn culinary skills? Take a part time job as cook’s apprentice, think of what will make you happier with you. And someday someone else will get to appreciate you for those new colors you show.
MARRIAGE IS THE TIME A MAN IS MOST VULNERABLE
So for us men, sometimes we need to claim a victory to feed our ego when we have left ourselves vulnerable by committing to one woman for the rest of our life.
Speaking to any woman reading this, if you divorce us, we men have more to deal with than you do. If you want to know the truth the modern man has learned to be both a mother and father. While women after divorce think about dating and finding a new man, we men can, do and will put our lives in perspective as this article clearly indicates.
In today’s society the willingness of a man in love is met by women that want their cake and eat it too. Women want to be mothers when they want to, not because they have to be. Men have silently seen this trend and fill the gap by being both a mother and father. It’s been unspoken until now. This too makes a man vulnerable in marriage. Men, we know this to be true and that is what made you vulnerable. It is what it is. Move on.
So my understanding here that a woman feels great regret when they finally realize what they lost in a husband. Our strength is our ability to say we are sorry; our strength is our ability to humble ourselves to love. When no man could bend our knee we choose to humble ourselves to a woman, one woman. Our strength is in knowing that when we accept that we give our lives over to a family, be it a wife, or wife with kids, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable in every way.
So men, having been divorced in the past year I know there is hope and there is more than hope. There is a better life, if you want it. You have to have a game plan.
I’ve explained basic principals. So let’s discuss when you are ready. God help you if you jump into this when you are not over your ex and have not found happiness in yourself. Skip over that advice and you are a fool.
KNOW WHEN YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE
If you are freshly separated or divorced, this is a time for you. In a big way. It takes time to get over so much, from good memories to perhaps bitterness of how you were betrayed, used or whatever it was that happened to you. It’s easy to tell yourself you are “over her” when it may not be. So it is important you be honest with yourself. There is a saying that you can’t be separated from something until you are separated to something. But in the case of women I must warn you, don’t go bed hopping. This is not how you separate yourself from your old relationship to a new one. You have to separate yourself from her on your own without resorting to another person. This way when someone decent does come along, they are not just anybody, they can be somebody to you.
You have to know when you are on the other side of the pain. To do this means to reconnect with you. Perhaps it is the old you, the one that you denied yourself before you were married. Even if it was years ago, you have to try. If that is not a solution for you then find things that are meaningful to yourself. And by all means, dedicate yourself to fun. This means finding people to connect with. And when you do find those people, don’t live in the past! They don’t want to hear it; they want to have fun just like you.
Now I know this all sounds great in theory and you may be thinking, “Come on, get real, there are all my memories I can’t forget, and she did something bad to me that I’m scarred over.” Yes, I know these things must exist in your psyche guys. They have to; otherwise you wouldn’t be in this now. You wouldn’t be suddenly single wondering which way is up. You were vulnerable and she got you. That is life, and I assure you that if you live off of this, it will break you down more, make you bitter and frankly not worth while to someone new.
PREPARE FOR THE DAY OF THE TRUTH
So you are over her. For whatever reasons, you feel whole again and normal is flowing through your veins. Well guess what, there is still one hurdle for you. And you need to be mentally prepared for it. I wasn’t, but you should be.
A day will come when learn the whole truth about what brought you back to being single.
That day will be a nightmare. That day will be a day of independence.
It will open up a door of information and you’ll need to be smart. Let that day be something that arms you emotionally in the future. That is the only purpose learning the truth can do for you. It can’t help you in new relationships. It can only help you understand the other person LOST YOU. Remember, you are worthwhile and now they know it more than ever because YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. And they know now they can never look you square in the eye as if they had cause to want more than you.
Never speak of what you learn. It does you no good. Get your closure, know better and move on. Remember, that is what we men do. We don’t internalize like women. Remember I said your ex lives in regret. The truth you now know is why she lives in regret. Your ex will regret losing the life she had with you. Only in her new situation based on her mistakes can she understand what she has done to her life. Women are smart, and your ex is putting two and two together. She knows she made a mistake and she’ll continue on stubbornly with her mistake rather than ever saying sorry or attempting to reconcile her mistake. That is your reward for being a good man. She will pay the ultimate price for losing you. You paid the price of years lost, and that can be hard to stomach, but it is what you must accept. Now go out there and live the years you have left with a zest for life! It is your life. It is your life.
IT’S OK TO REFLECT
It’s OK to reflect on the past, when you are on the other side. You have to know however that you are “reflecting” not “reliving” or “wishing” or “pining away”. Keep things healthy and in perspective. For instance, when I watched a movie my ex really liked, I was hesitant to even watch it. I wanted no part of her or her life anymore as I didn’t want to put myself in a position of appreciating her darker side. But I did want to see the movie. I gave myself time to ponder these things but quickly realized, I wanted to see that movie for some time and in the end, it was just a movie, it wasn’t an extension of her. So if you live in the same town as your ex and know of places you used to go and such, give yourself time to reflect but don’t live in the past. It’s your life, not hers. And for what it is worth guys, I reflect from time-to-time.
Feel free to contact me for support.
