History repeats for me recently in the form of music.  When I was 14 I used to read Peirs Anthony's Magic of Xanth novels in bed while listening to Phil Collins' Face Value album over and over.  I remember reading 70 pages of text and flipping the cassette tape over and over.  But what I recall from that time is how alone I was and how strong I wanted to be.  I remember listening to songs such as If Leaving Me Is Easy and You Know What I Mean.  I suppose these two didn't leave me feeling strong but they meant something special to me.  It made me realize that with love you are strong, and without it you are vulnerable to love and pain that some of us never hope to know.   I find the second and third stanzas in You Know What I Mean especially meaningful these days.  All the words from If Leaving Me Is Easy ring true now.

You Know What I Mean

Just as I thought I'd make it
You walk back into my life
Just like you never left

Just as I'd learned to be lonely
You call up to tell me
You're not sure if you're ready
But ready or not, you'll take what you've got and leave

Leave me alone with my heart
I'm putting the pieces back together again
Just leave, leave me alone with my dreams
I can do without you, know what I mean...

I wish I could write a love song,
To show you the way I feel
Seems you don't like to listen
Oh but like it or not, take what you've got and leave

Leave me alone with my heart
It's broken in two and I'm not thinking too straight
Just leave, leave me alone with my dreams
You've taken everything else, you know what I mean

If Leaving Me Is Easy

I read all the letters, I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now, and the words start to fade
All the memories I have start, still remain
I've kept all the pictures, but I hide my feelings so no-one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round, but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cos you're gone now, but your heart, still remains
And it'll be here if you come again

You see, I'd heard the rumors, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you,
No you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong, but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember...

If leaving me is easy,
Then coming back is harder...

Perhaps you find it strange a 14 year old boy can feel so strongly about lyrics but at that time I was beginning to feel that words to songs had more impact that the music itself.  Combined with a great sound, words and music together could change your mood from happy to sad or sad to happy.  It impacts your mood, changes your day and in my case changed my life. 

So what music gave me that strength I so desired? By the age of 17 Songs like Human Race by Red Rider and It's My Life by Talk Talk were in my top 10.  God did I sing It's My Life with such passion as I drove my car deep into the country to see a girl named Erica Dilcer.  I was in independent soul back then.  Eventually she moved to Pittsburgh.  I saw her 10 years later with short buzz cut and she seemed completely different.  But I still remember the younger days fondly.

It may be hard for others but for me I imagine the tingle in running up your back deep into your soul as you sing:

It's My Life!  Don't you forget! Caught in the Crowd! It never ends...

I could always feel myself drifting with that last verse, It never ends... What an amazing way to drive home the feeling of the verse by holding on to the end note of Ends...you could feel what he meant of all the hardships you face are never ending as he held that note.

Erica was a girl beyond my means but somehow I reached her with my eccentric musical inclinations.  Let's face it, every teenager is a hopeless romantic and for a time I reached the highest peak with Erica.  We got so close that eventually we became more friends than lovers and strange enough a point came when if I kissed her it was like kissing my sister, so we moved past being romantic and remained good friends.  But during that time so many other friends came into play and the music I listened to became the music others listened to. 

It's My Life held such power and grace in it that I felt the words hard. In this song, the singer is reaffirming to himself that it is his life, which he and only he can take control of.  He reminds himself, It's My Life, Don't You Forget...

It's My Life

Funny how I find myself
in love with you
If I could buy my reasoning
I'd pay to lose

One half won't do

I've asked myself
How much do you
commit yourself?

It's my life
Don't you forget!
It's my life
It never ends...

Funny how I blind myself
I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon
Afraid to lose

I'd tell myself
what good you do
Convince myself

It's my life
Don't you forget!
It's my life
It never ends...

I'm aware of the remake by No Doubt and I don't mind it at all.  It has it's own musical quality and I thank them for holding the song in high esteem in covering it.  As if it were my song... :)  But it sure is one that drove my life for so long.

Then there is Human Race.  Wow...  This was a throw away release as far as the music world was concerned when it came out.   But I grabbed on hard with those words.  Never had someone's words prompted me to paint a more visual surrounding in my mind by.  To this day I can see in my minds eye a vision of myself riding on horseback hard across a country side into an evening sunset trying to reach a cabin or home far in the distance and feel like I'm riding in place.  Running hard, I'm here, but I could be there instead...

The song paints the picture further.

Human Race

I could see it on the road ahead
Running hard, I'm here
But I could be there instead

Many houses with the lights on
Silhouette behind the shades
Beside fires, I'm sure I saw you in one

I loved you but that was way back then
Now I'm alone outside
And then I face the wind
The rain washes me thin

Knocked me down but I got back up
And I got myself back in the race again
Knock me down and I'll get back up
And I'll get myself back in the race again.

Race through the shadows
Race against stone
Sunken city that I thought was my own
Might be a brave new world
But it's really not my home

Roll over, fall in
My God I screamed
They might catch them
But they won't catch me

I'm out here clean and I'm free
Yes, I'm free

Knocked me down but I got back up
And I got myself back in the race again
Knock me down and I'll get back up
And I'll get myself back in the race again.

These verses became words I flat out learned to live by:

Knocked me down but I got back up
And I got myself back in the race again
Knock me down and I'll get back up
And I'll get myself back in the race again.

Sure I got married and had children.  I've become sensitive and loving, compassionate and understanding of the needs of others outside of my self.  But these words back then meant that I had to be tough.  Tougher than tough.  Remember the movie Casablanca?  We'll most of us remember lines like, "We'll always have Paris."  But for me there was one line that lived by.  I mean it.  It was after Rick was scared by love for life.  The love of his life cut him out of her life with no chance of getting her back.  So he became this tough:

I'm not fighting for anything anymore, I'm the only cause I'm interested in.

And these words meant one hell of a lot to me for a long long time.  Until I had children I really didn't think anyone counted but myself, and I could turn on you without thinking twice because this is how the world is.

Now I find myself suddenly in a situation in life where I don't see myself as Rick in Casablanca anymore but I do see myself as that rider chasing his dream across a grass plane where the sun is setting and he must get to his dream.

Knock me down and I'll get back up
And I'll get myself back in the race again.

So much of Human Race hit home for me and the driving baseline put me in a mental state that gave me pure determination against any odds.

Then there is the punchy song, Cruel to be Kind by Nick Lowe.  Again wow.  Never again will I put myself in a relationship where a woman treats me this way.  I found myself abused once because I loved somebody enough to take it.  But as a man with dignity I vow to never have someone mentally and verbally abuse me again.

Cruel to be Kind

Oh, I can't take another heartache
Though you say oh my friend, I'm at my wit's end
You say your love is bonafide, but that don't coincide
With the things that you do and when I ask you to be nice
You say you've got to be...

Cruel to be kind in the right measure
Cruel to be kind it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind means that I love you
Baby, got to be cruel, you got to be cruel to be kind

Well I do my best to understand dear
But you still mystify and I want to know
why I pick myself up off the ground
to have you knock me back down
Again and again and when I ask you to explain
You say, you've got to be...

Cruel to be kind in the right measure
Cruel to be kind it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind means that I love you
Baby, got to be cruel, you got to be cruel to be kind

I guess I'll end the list of songs I'm currently listening to with one that I didn't listen to all that much like these others but I sure did like it.  Only lately I've really grown to appreciate it to no end.  Luck would have it my son was listening to it in the car with me the other day and he said, "Dad this song sounds like it is about you and mom" (He doesn't see his (step)mother anymore but he still calls her mom).

I said to him, "What do you mean?"  He answered,
"The words dad...you can rely on the old man's money. You’re the old man and she uses you for money." I wanted to answer, “You mean that figuratively right? I’m not old.”  But I realized I’d have to define figuratively and by that time I’d lose him altogether in the conversation.   Meanwhile I’m reading, You The Owners Manual a book on managing your own body and they outline how the human body ages in both calendar age and physical age, and I’m only 27 according to physical age. So who’s the old man? 

Returning to my point…. My son and I got to talking and of course the words that really rang true came up in our conversation, It’s so easy to hurt others when you can't feel pain.

This song is now in heavy rotation for me and my son in the car.

So for me, the past feelings of a need to be strong and able to handle all that life throws at you emotionally and more has come full circle.  I'm listening to songs that I once listened to so much that I thought I wrote them myself.

And I guess history repeats.

Knock me down but I'll get back up and get myself back in the race again.