No video of the day here. Just a tribute to a special song about lost love... Heart of the Matter by Don Henley, J.D. Souther and Mike Campbell.
There is hardly a verse in this song without profound heartfelt meaning. The impact takes your heart and will to be strong from stolid and worldly to bare and vulnerable.
Think about these verses...
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimesThe more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
How can love survive in such a graceless age
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrying' that anger, it'll eat you inside
These words and so many others tear at your soul if you've ever known love. So...I'd like your audience while I explicate the meaning and motivation behind these words by Don Henley because this is one love song that is a classic to me in the world of love songs as Casablanca is to romantic film classics.
If you've ever been in love, really in love, you'll appreciate these words. It think it may be the single best love song about a man's perspective on what is love really. When I listen to it I think back to my pre-marital single days when love was simpler... Because now somehow as I have come out of marriage... It appears love becomes less romantic and more about friendship gone wrong, at least I believe that it what has become of it for most people whom marry. What I mean is take for example that I don't think of my ex wife when I hear this song or read these lyrics. I think of passionate love between single people aiming for the stars and not quite getting there; agape love between unadulterated lovers which is romantic. So please... anyone thinking this post has any bearing on my marriage, don't dishonor me which such assumptions. I'm writing about this song's message and motivation.
Let me say that this song is powerful in its truth. Phil Collin's wrote one of the greatest albums ever (Face Value) because of his raw feelings which cut with straight honesty. He was heartbroken when he wrote Face Value and sadly... some of the best love songs are written from heartbreak. Heart of the Matter is a paradox. It is strangely matter of fact in its story telling yet so personal for anyone whom has come out of a heartfelt relationship. Fitting if you ask me for this cold and impersonal society we now live in. The price we pay for our individualism is love. After all it is impossible to really know anyone.
Heart of the Matter is a modern day ballad handling lost love with the mature knowledge that love may be eternal but relationships are ephemeral. It's a tragic analytical song about closure; powerful in communicating the pain and effort the writer is going through. I'm no Eagles or Henley fan by and large. But when you hear Don Henley sing the words "But I miss you sometimes..." You taste a small bit of his anguish. If you've ever known love, you understand the feeling in those words. A time comes when we reach happiness after love has gone, but there are those moments of weakness; moments alone when you realize you are just as fragile in being alone as anyone can be. It's a good honesty that reminds you of your humanity.
Perhaps the next line, "The more I know the less I understand" is not as much appreciated for its profundity as it is for it being a cute oxymoron. Yet this line is telling of how we grow as human beings and still never know the people we profess to love. You can love someone all your life and find out you were living in their lie. I know, it happened to me. So this line's true meaning was not lost on me. But for most of us it means, you can fill your mind with worldly knowledge only to make understanding love all the more complicated and inexplicable.
Heart of the Matter comes from the perspective of him singing to his lost love. Yet like every writer he is really talking to himself. We get to take a peak in side the heart and soul of the writer and most of us never appeciate how a writer lets us into their mind to such depth. Heart of the Matter covers the gamut of men’s emotions and how we try to resolve lost love by addressing our pride and will to accomplish goals in life to fill the hole in our heart.
The song's beginning reminds me of a lesson I learned many years ago when my pastor gave a sermon about change. I learned, "You cannot be separated from something until you are separated to something."(I've written my on song Change of Mind around this concept.) It is especially true of lovers. You can't really say you are over someone until you have someone new in your life. When he writes about getting the call he didn't want to get, it is telling of the lesson I learned above. He sits alone in love while she has reached closure in finding someone new. Seems we have all been there.
Betrayal is touched on as the cause in this particular downfall of love:
What are these voices outside Love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
These three lines outline how people ruin a good thing by giving into greed or selfish needs. In this case they are in a sound relationship and rather than appreciate the complacency of monogamy or marriage, one partner looks to bump up to a better lover that in some way meets all the requirements of the mate they are with but has all those qualities and more. It's hard to be on the receiving end of such an act. It's safe to say many of us have been there.
Heart of the Matter is filled with warnings lovers never heed, and laments the cruelty of this modern world were love is a dying notion wasted on only the most foolish of us who dare believe.
The line of "Pride and competition can't fill these empty arms" is an amazing line. It says something so powerful. It says that for all your accomplishments, they amount to nothing without someone to share them with. It is words like this that make this song so strong and worth expounding on. With all Don Henley's talent, this song still would not be possible if his heart was not broken and had he not decided to soul search in this song.
What is the heart of the matter? It is Forgiveness. At loves most fundamental best love is forgiveness. He brings lovedown to it's simplest form; forgiveness. And here I do admit having learned of this in marriage.
Forgiveness. I learned in marriage the only way to love is to forgive. You do it every day. From forgiving the inconsequential things like leaving the ketchup out on the table, or not having cleaned up in time by the time your spouse gets home to the serious things such as betrayal. When you really love someone, you can forgive them for just about anything. But remember... if they can't do the same for you that is when the relationship is over. Love may never be gone, but what you had is over. It's easy to love someone, it is harder to be loved.
I admit I never registered the magnitude of this song's words before I married. But when I did marry I learned the truth about love in the confines of marriage. My situation was harsh yet simple. From it I learned forgiveness. I found that for every problem my wife created, that if I was not the peace maker, there would be no making up if I didn't make the first move.
Because I was married and I knew she couldn't just leave (and I certainly wouldnt't leave), I quickly learned it was just easier for me to be the one to go to her and make peace. But in my heart I came to understand if I didn't learn to forgive her for all her transgressions (while I was ironically the peacemaker), otherwise I would resent her and our love would be destroyed. I can tell you first hand, in love you must learn to forgive; truly forgive. The slate must be mentally wiped clean and you must literally forget about the bad and only remember the good.
The heart of the matter is a short but deep lesson about love. The answer to Heart of the Matter is What is Love? Forgiveness.
With forgiveness you are free to love without contempt or resentment. I often wonder how many of us can forgive? How many of us in a relationship are capable of it? I think this is where good couples and marriages succeed.
Heart of the Matter
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talking on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside Love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymoreThese times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess
Our pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
You know it doesn't keep me warmI'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymoreThere are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, (you know) they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrying' that anger, it'll eat you insideI've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love meI've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinking about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
There is a book Heart of the Matter and its theme is based on pride and forgiveness, I am certain this is coincidental and not the basis of this song. And for what it is worth for those of you at home keeping score on me, while Don Henley’s song is about love and forgiving the person you love for their worst transgressions. That is not me.
I dedicate this article to the men and women who are on the outside of a once beautiful love affair where you have no choice but to find closure. Love is forgiveness.
