This week a friend and neighbor died.   I’ve had some ups and downs over this.  To begin, she never told me she was ill and dying.  The day she died I didn’t know what to do.  I saw the paramedic van, but just couldn't bring myself to go to her house and inquire. 

Just two days before, Sandy had left her truck in the driveway running.  She said it was locked and she would have to wait until her husband got home with spare keys.  I stayed there a few minutes to talk to her trying to make sure for myself that she was alright.  Something didn’t seem right.  I tried to find a way to open the hood so I could perhaps kill the engine.   But then returning to speak to her, I had to ask her for certain, are you sure you locked yourself out?  Are you sure you are OK?   She said yes.  I went and checked all the doors and in fact the drivers door was unlocked.   I shut the truck off and handed her the keys.  She thanked me sincerely.

Something didn’t seem right. I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I checked on her again the next day. 

I really didn’t understand but something wasn’t right.  Just three months ago she was there for me and my kids and all this time I didn’t know she was dying.   At the funeral yesterday it was revealed that she knew for some time she would pass.   As I paid my last respects at her coffin, flowers were inside with the words, “Mommy” beneath them.  I just fell apart.  My lips couldn’t stiffen and my eyes welled.  I thought about how strong Sandy was for her kids and everyone around her.   I should have been the one comforting her in her last days, instead she was comforting me.  For months she comforted me.  She cooked meals for me and my boys in fact.  Sandy prayed for us and with us.  She told me constantly that God would reward me for being a great father and that the truth would come out.  She was the one person telling me to put it in God’s hands.  And now I know why.

I refused to take my children to her funeral.  I couldn’t do it.  My kids and I attended my father’s sisters funeral last fall, but this one didn’t feel the same.  I felt Dalton and Declan would have been perhaps too emotionally involved to see her.   But we talked about it. We talked about Sandy now being in heaven.    Declan and I had a harder time alone though.  As I drove him to school the morning of the funeral I said to him, “It just doesn’t seem fair.” as her kids were just adopted.  They waited all their lives to have a mother and now she is gone.  And I expressed my sorrow for them to Declan saying it, “They waited all their lives for a mother son, and then lose her.” He replied, “Just like me.”  We had a lot to talk about later which is a whole other story I don't plan to discuss.

Sandy was strong.  She knew what she was doing.  She didn’t want any of us to feel sorry for her.  I’ve been in a strange mood for the past two days because of it.  I’ve gone to Chuck and insisted he send his children to our house if they become frustrating for him or they need someone to play with.  The were such a good family, and now they are like me.   Single father, two kids.   Chuck said to me today something about now understanding what I went through.  And I reassured him, “Yes and look at me now, I’ve come out on the other side OK.”  He didn’t need to hear that though I think.  Then again, perhaps he did.  We all put on a brave face when we face adversity. 

I’m going to miss Sandy.  She was a friend, not just a neighbor.  My heart sinks to think of her children without their mother.  Mine at least see their mothers and they are not removed from their lives at all.  But for Chuck and Sandy’s two children, they will never see Sandy again and that just tears me apart.  That love and guidance Sandy offered is gone.  They are less one parent forever.  I hate to think of that.  I’m kinda mad at fate for taking such a great person.  It doesn’t make sense to me. 

Tonight I was outside talking to a number or neighbors, some of us were at the funeral too.  We didn’t talk about Chuck but we all felt his pain I think.   The days will be hard and empty as they sneak up on him quickly.   The saving grace are those children.   May they provide him solace. 

Sandy is in a good place I’m sure.  Heaven awaits her.  But she hid what she was going through and I do wish she had not. I would have done anything to have been able to know anything from my time or efforts could have eased her troubles in the end.   Sandy passed at her home and I trust it was sudden and peaceful. 

I think back to last week and wonder about the truck and what she was up to.  Something was eerily wrong.  It’s left me thinking ever since.  I can’t just be happy she is in heaven either because her kids are not going to happy down here without her.

This is one reason I needed a break from blogging.   Her death has dampened my inspiration and will to write.  My moods have gone from fantastic because my own personal life is in a wonderful place, to far too pensive because I look out my window and see Sandy and Chucks home many times a day, and it is a constant reminder that those children no longer have a mother.   I can’t stop thinking how unfair her death is.  God could take so many others on earth that don’t have purpose.   He could at least not have taken a person like Sandy, one of the best among us.