I lead a VERY busy life now.  I mean that.  But as I race through my day I do scan news etc... I'm not living in a vacuum.   So today I hit the Drudge Report and see bit about Chris Matthews and John Stewart. As I watch it on YouTube I see a few things I really really find to have been right on the money in my own life.  Theory's on how life should be lived.

The fact is life is not to be lived mechanically, using people to get where you want or get what you want.  Not if you want happiness.

Chris Matthews wrote a book about living life like a politician does and with that strategy, you'll get ahead. Chris espouses that life is a campaign.  John Stewart calls him on the carpet for this way of looking at life, and moreover living that kind of life.  While Chris makes one great point that listening to women will get them to like you, as opposed to bragging and drinking beer.  Outside of that, he makes one point that I lived over and over and over again.   The book preaches the political move of attacking someone else before they attack you.  Boy did I live that.  And yep, I resent it. So when John Stewart calls the book artifice... I see his point as I've lived out his point.

Life is a Campaign, you campaign to get a job, you campaign to get the girl of your dreams... but if you campaign to get that girl and there is not substance to your life... will you keep her? 

John Stewart calls the book artifice.  I agree.  Campaigning for love, a job or the things you want mean nothing if you have no substance. 

To me it works like ...   more »

It takes a strong woman to be needy

You'd think John Gottman, Ph.D., who founded the Gottman Institute (otherwise known as the Love Lab) with his wife, Julie, wouldn't make dumb mistakes in his own relationship.

But he always remembers the time he harangued his busy wife for neglecting him: "I said, 'You're so emotionally unavailable; everyone else comes first; what is wrong with you?' And I found when I said that, she didn't want to spend time with me." He laughs. "So I learned from the couples we studied to say, 'You know, I'm getting that lonely feeling again. I just need more of you in my day.'" And it worked.

The trick was employing what Gottman calls a soft start-up, which involves telling your partner "what you need and giving them a way to succeed."

His team had found that even in happy relationships, partners reciprocate anger with anger, so the easiest way to de-escalate a conflict was not to escalate it in the first place.

For instance, instead of saying, "I'm sick to death of cooking dinner, you lazy slob," Gottman suggests telling your spouse, "You know, I'm sick of my own cooking. I think we need to go out to dinner, or have you take charge of dinner for a while."

Many Love Lab participants find it difficult to make themselves that vulnerable. "A lot of people feel shame about having a need," he says. "Our culture tells us that to be needy is to be weak, but it's really a tremendous strength to know what you need and to be able to ask for it."

Beginning a conversation with what you need, rather than the more aggressive "You never ... " or "You idiot," is a way to complain that's easier for your partner to ...   more »