Do you ever talk to yourself? Not aloud of course but still - you have these conversations ...everyday. Maybe not everyday. Maybe rarely. Perhaps it's just a fleeting moment. You're driving in your car and you see something that makes you think or you are watching a movie alone and a character says or does something that makes you look at your own life. And you talk to yourself.

I think in these moments is when we really know our true self. And we can't lie. We don't lie. We are at peace with our paleolithic underpinnings. We don't even notice that we are good and evil all in the same breath. We are honest with our self because we don't sit in judgment of our self in the same way others would.

One day I sat on the grass after a long day of running errands. I looked at my old family home and thought of how I grew up there and how in all my life I've done so much, traveled so far and yet here I was back again sitting in the grass in at my old family home. I had to think a moment and evaluate the success or failure of my life. What makes one a success, and what makes one a failure? I sat down, almost in tears as I sighed and thought to myself I was being honest with myself and no one was around to judge me.

No this is not a rant. This is not a philosophy article, it's not an advice or help article either.

Today I just wanted to write something you may not often see me write. That in each one of us there is a person that no one in the world may honestly really know or ...   more »

I think when we are single we hope to meet someone ...we envision meeting someone that makes us trip over our own thoughts.   To meet that person, we need to somehow jump into an environment that takes us outside our own comfort zone.  Somewhere that despite how great we may think we are, that person we want to meet is so much better.  Heaven forbid we actually accomplish this, because really - few of us ever do.   But if we should accomplish meeting that person in that environment we would doom ourselves because we would trip over own own thoughts. 

I'll get to the answer soon.  Let me digress.

Hey you are reading this so let's just assume you are cool with getting deep on you at the moment.  After all, for me today is a special day.   Nope. I'm a jack-ass I won't tell you why.  But let me just tell you that it's a day that's made me think about mortality and the reason why people ...   more »

It's a brand new me. I've got no remorse.

Listen honestly I'll live.
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Folks... I started to write an e-mail to someone and when I finished.  I realized this is something I can't just write to one person.

When I was a kid of 18, I had a some good friends.  These guys always knew me to be ONE unique character.  They grew to appreciate my odd interest in spies and detectives.   Then one day a buddy of mine came to me and said, I saw a play last night and I figured you want to see it.  I asked him what it was.  He said, it was a story called, Who Am I This Time? about an actor that everyone kept coming to, to play new parts.  He came to realize his lot and would simply respond with, “Who am I this time?”

Now… before you say, “Come on Lars, a friend of yours didn’t really do that did he?”  I can tell you his name was xxx xxxxx .  I remember it like it was yesterday.  We talked and I came to learn that xxx xxxxx was expressing to me what my other friends thought.  It was that I was able to be anyone for the sake of friends.

I’ve come to accept that in my life.

You see xxxxxxx, for the sake of friends sometimes I forget who I am – what it is I want – what my needs are.

I’ve said sorry in arguments when I knew I wasn’t wrong; simply because I knew the person I was at odds with would never say they were sorry.  They were so stubborn (no I’m not speaking of you) that I knew if either of us were to mend broken fences I’d have to take the first step.

I’ve pretended to have been a mean person in order to allow someone else to move on and give them closure.

I’ve gone weeks without crying when I knew that all I’d ever have to do was shed one tear and I could move on, but if I did, I knew I’d never look back.

I’ve risked my own personal health and brought enemies together so that others could get by them and lead happier lives.

I’ve sacrificed my own happiness when I knew that if I had my own way, it would cause others to be sad and hurt.

And now again, I'm living through a time that requires me to try and make someone else happy by   more »

You ever get advice from someone that isn't really giving you advice?   What they are doing is lording over you.  They have social leverage over you where they think they have the right to tell you what is wrong or right in your life at every turn.  Meanwhile they live a bad example.  You can't open your mouth because they could make life miserable for you, perhaps more so than they are by giving you constant advice that amounts to no more than insults through-out the day.

You just wait for that proverbial "Take this job and shove it moment".  

This isn't happening to me. It's happening to someone I know.  What I've done is pull a Heathlciff from Wuthering Heights.  You go just quietly turn your life around and take the upper hand putting them in the situation they put you in.  Revenge is a dish best served cold.
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Years ago when I was earning a living that some people would be surprised to learn, I tried to do everything for my family.  I wasn't frivolous with my money but I did know that at certain times I didn't have to worry about sparing no expense.   My kids never needed much so making them happy was a snap.  Making my wife happy.. that cost me pretty.  I paid her trips to Ukraine, to Florida to visit with her girlfriends, for timeshares she wanted etc... The list goes on.   I say this for a reason. It's important in understanding this back story to understand what happens.

So one day I bought a pair of paintball gloves for my 8 year old son Declan.  Now a pair of gloves for a kid is easy to find.  But a pair of paintball gloves for an 8 year old?  ... those are hard to find, very hard.  So I found this specific pair and then got myself a matching adult pair.   He had them a week and then they vanished.  I was hurt and I was upset.  Sure it was just a pair of gloves but I put so much effort in finding them and he lost them inside a week.  It made no sense too as they were for paintball, not for playing in the snow or gardening.  

I blamed him and scolded him verbally about it for some time.  When he would ask for something special I'd remind him that he lost my trust in his ability to keep things so I held back from time-to-time.  Those gloves became a reason for talking about responsibility and how he failed me in that area.

He remembered.  All these years he remembered.  And for the most part, so did I.

Well, I   more »

I've decided to let people into my private universe.  Just parts... So today I'm starting a YET another writing category labeled "Private Thoughts".  Let's begin...

I was talking to my son the other night.  We talked about life now since my divorce.  He agrees, it's OK for us to move to Colorado or anywhere that we are free from racism and uptight people that don't really know how to be honest with their emotions.  There has to be somewhere better than this.  And of course, a new start is something we both seem to want.

Went to court this week.  Finally got my final divorce hearing back on track.  I've really come to learn a lot about how lawyers just don't give a shit about you. They care as far as your money pays, period.   My advice to anyone that needs one.... find a cheap one. Always.  You can always fire them and get a new one you feel does a better job.  That's how you do it.

I wrote an article yesterday.  I see from my stats a good number of people read it before I pulled it down.  I had to.  The girl in question says her if her family read it, they would ruin her life in ways I can't explain.  Doesn't seem fair does it?

I've learned that texting is the new talking.  In the past year of dating every girl I know is about scared shitless of meeting for a date.  They have no time, they have no life, but they love texting.  Don't call them, text them.  Text them and ask to talk?  Nope, not time to talk, text please.  In fact, text again.  It seems if you get past texting, your having sex and that designates the relationship as boyfriend girlfriend.  To avoid ...   more »