Lately I've been receiving a lot of e-mail from recently separated men going into divorce. It's never good to see. Just as many have kids and this really tears me up. I've been there and walked that road. As I've honestly and genuinely come out of divorce with a better life, I do feel an obligation to other men, to share how we as men can get over divorce.
For starters you should read my article: A Man's Guide to Divorce - A Man's Guide to Separation if you have not already. Most men that find me have generally googled something regarding divorce and found me through this article.
I also have a complete section here on labeled: Men's Help.
The reality is for us men, there are few resources. And most web based resources ultimately bash women in order to raise our self-esteem and while that is certainly a solution it's negative energy. In fact one blog I found and made contact with seems to be at odds with itself in trying to take my positive approach while still dealing with it's resentment towards women. http://whatmenthinkofwomen.blogspot.com/ The fact is I think this guy digs up some amazing stuff that has merit but he walks a razors edge when it comes to lumping all women into one group. Read his blog with care and use your moral compass to guide you as you make your own decisions in what he writes.
Guys, we should never forget that women are beautiful creatures and worth our love, the fact you have been dumped or abused or whatever is not an indictment of all women.
You will undoubtedly search the web for answers, you can look for books on the subject high and low. There is ultimately one answer. You. Your self esteem. You must get it back as this horrifying situation is tearing at your soul and your will to be happy apart from your ex. Again, I've been there. While I had my own easier reasons for moving on, you may not. You could find yourself searching for months or years if you don't get a game plan in place fast. I have a saying, "If you never quit, you get there." But that is assuming you know where you are going. Suddenly today you find yourself semi-single or single. The first thing you must determine is "have I let go?" If you were like me, you want to hang on. I wanted to hang on. You think your kids deserve two parents together and that you have history with your ex. You think you will never get great years of your life back, so starting again is impractical and painful. Yes... you are right. These are good reasons to get back with your wife or ex wife. But wake up! Is she with you now? No. And you are convincing yourself at every angle that you can make it work. Look, you know you can make it work. She does not. She has cashed out. It's why you've been served. I'm willing to bet if you are like me, she researched it for months. She planned it in advance so the day you were served with papers she practically had a party with her friends in secret. Don't be a fool for love, not anymore. Please please really be objective at this point in your life and honestly know if your ex will reconcile.
Here is the litmus test you must pass first. And you can't expect to change this or decide yourself how it's going to go. You can only read the sign and move from there. And that sign is, does she love you and want you? If she says she doesn't love you, if she has decided to move on, DON'T YOU DARE try and force the situation. Here is where most every man goes wrong. Now I said women are beautiful creatures but they are also astute at self-preservation. When they are done with you, YOU WON'T KNOW it. They play the game well in allowing you to have hope so you can do more for them in their exit plan. I'm sorry but this is a mistake 80 percent of men make. In fact I think just about all men make this mistake. I did. I'm betting you've already made this same mistake. So stop now. Stop giving so much of yourself to build her up as she leaves you. This is where you get your self respect back guys. Look, she may be the mother of your children and you both can do what is best for them, but you can't do the best for them if you give her everything so she can then go into a family court and claim how much better off the children are exclusively with her. Get it? For her it becomes a game. For you it is your life and your children's lives.
So while you are wanting to possibly repair the family, you may be given so much false hope and white wash that you just don't see what is happening to you until it is too late. Don't believe me? Go to any family court building lobby and intake office and talk to the guys that look run over. These are men just like you and I and they hardly seen it coming and worse yet, most of them think they can fix it. Meanwhile they just keep standing up like crash test dummies waiting for the next hit. It is heartbreaking.
Are you understanding this? Key words guys... "too late". Do you want that to happen to you?
Let's be a bit less dignified here for moment... You want to move on. You want to respect yourself and you want was is best for your children. Then forget the marriage you had and think of the future now. If you want what is best for your children then your children deserve both parents of sound mind. Don't you dare yield to the carrot on a string ruse otherwise you may find yourself entirely on the outside looking in. If I'm not clear, imagine a rider holding a carrot on a stick out in front of the horse. The horse walks towards the stick in hopes of reaching the carrot but never gets there. No offense but that is you right now.
I'm not saying take things in separation, I'm not saying be evil. I'm saying don't give up what is rightfully yours. Don't hand over things, divide them equally. Do it with grace and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS leave emotion out of it. Be nice, but be firm.
As this process moves on, you'll find that you have retained your manhood and self respect.
And not that you need the respect of your ex-wife, the way you handle this situation means you will gain it regardless. But sadly you should know; a divorce is somewhat of a war. A cold war. You must understand that if you want to be treated more fairly in divorce than you were in marriage you can only do so by standing up for yourself and doing things equally.
By trying to save the marriage she no longer wants, your emotions will tell you to hand over everything. I'm not just talking material things. Those can be replaced, but if it is a house or something along those lines, you better understand what that means later if you ever have to pull a family court judge into the situation.
I know someone now that is divorced with children and they are the model and poster couple for divorce the right way. They decided to live nearby each other so both parents could pick the kids up at school etc... They didn't fight over the kids, they worked out money between each other without a court... and most of all their children were never part of a struggle. It is amazing in it's simplicity. If you are at the onset of separation and divorce, I beg you to take this path. If your ex wife or wife is bent on divorce, make this your number one pathway. If she does not agree to this path... lock down friend. You are in for a serious mental fight. And again... women... because they are God's favorite creature, they know it. They will use your positive emotions for them, against you. Be strong and don't give up things that will will destroy your chances to be the best father towards your children after divorce is final.
All of this will result in you regaining and keeping your self respect.
Hey... I know where you are now it is unimaginable that you will be a single full time parent without a wife. I'm sorry to drop this on you, the day you accept it is the day you begin to heal. Accept what has happened to you and get on with the game plan:
A Man's Guide to Divorce - A Man's Guide to Separation
Single Fathers Fighting for Custody - Part One: Understanding Divorce
Single Fathers Fighting for Custody - Part Two: Custody Battles Affect on Men
Single Fathers Fighting for Custody - Part Three: Positive Men's Resources
You are welcome to contact me for moral support and advice.
