This is a article about single fathers and the experience of divorce and custody. I share some of my experience for credibility as an expert in guidance, but I don't share the grusome details. What I discuss here is not a feminism issue, it's a system issue. It's not a male verses female issue. It's about the loss of joy. It's about the loss of joy you have in feeling needed.
Here is my backstory. I have two children. My eldest from a relationship where I was unmarried. I gained custody of him when he was two. That in itself should tell you a lot about me. He has lived with me since he was three months of age. When he was one and a half I married a woman from overseas. I brought her to this country. I married for love. We had a child after 6 years of marriage. At year 9 she filed for divorce and after divorce I learned it was due to multiple affairs by her. She hates me to this day. I forgave her a long time ago, but I'm careful of her (understated). I can say this because I know. FYI, my children do NOT see my blog.
This article is not like most of my articles. It is written in four parts. Unlike previous men's guide or men's help articles such as A Man's Guide to Divorce - A Man's Guide to Separation, This article will be a free form article covering many aspects of divorce and custody. All positive, and with NO disrespect to women. It is a realistic view on behalf of worth while men struggling to maintain their role as fathers.
Staying on this serious positive note here, I want to make this VERY clear. I love women. I wouldn't be with one now otherwise. I think I speak for most men in this regard. Men and women are useless apart and we and are greater together than we can be apart. It's just that simple. After my divorce, I didn't resent or hate women. I understood my situation was unique and after the number one priority of raising my children, I sought to be with a worthwhile woman, knowing that having to do it over again, I would not make the same mistakes. Men, if you get caught in the trap of fighting feminism, you are a fool. It's just that simple. Pointing out the mistakes of feminist is like arguing with a wall. It's not budging, it doesn't hear you, it doesn't care. If families are in crisis, and everyone is divorcing, that leaves some women, good women out there to be found. And they are looking for you too. And the feminist have done you a favor and removed theselves from the mix. There is not greater joy for a man or woman that the comfort of knowing you are needed. God programmed us to find joy and solace in the company and touch of the opposite sex. Unless you are gay or lesbian, (and mean no disrespect to that lifestyle) you know that hanging out with your buddy or girlfriend isn't half as rewarding as having someone to come home to and share your day with. The history you build and remember are YOUR joint memories and feelings that no one else can ever understand or appreciate like the two of you will.
Losing love of a woman you loved is hard guys. But what is your self-respect worth? What is your own life worth? I know the older you get the harder it is to cope with the loss of a woman you cared for, but if you are divorced... and this is the part you have to start with... if you are divorced or separated. There is a VERY good reason. And if she instigated the parting, she has her mind made up. I've interviewed a few women on this subject. One in my home wanted to rent a room, she even worked where my ex worked! What I learned from each of these women is that as they spoke to me, I argued the case for marriage and they explained that regardless of how right it was to stay married, they were divorcing. And why? Because they wanted what they wanted. The reasons were sometimes justified (to them anyway) to merely selfish reasons. In each case the understanding was that these women had their mind made up. We men are programmed different. Because God wired us to look at outward beauty as well as inner beauty, perhaps we are weaker in this respect and our feelings can change for unexplained reasons. Perhaps too, we men are just less practical than women and feel we can fit a square peg in a round hole. We believe we can make anything work, so we try. What did Edison say? He may not have even said it (LOL), if at first you dont' succeed, try try again. That was said by a man. He would have been a foolish man had he not created the lightbulb. And that is the heart and mind of a man in a nutshell when it comes to love. We are willing to try when it just makes no more sense. What I'm saying is that you have to know when to walk away. This is the hardest thing to teach any man. I will be working on this with my sons when they start dating. I won't raise stalkers! :) I make a joke there but it's true.
Men, if you are divorced and still love your ex, you must know when to walk away, mentally. It took me a month to move on after I got word of her affair (after divorce). I took some time to morn inside, and then I moved on. After all, for me an affiar is the easiest way for me to disconnect from love or emotions. I always warned lovers, "If you ever cheat, never tell me. You'll mean nothing to me." I know it is different for every man, but for me, this is what made it perfectly easy to go on in life. I didn't tell anyone what I felt, I certainly didn't tell the women I dated. I just burried it and moved on. Because I had children, one with this woman, that was an emotional tie that I had to wrangle with. I had to accept that I had disgust for what she had done, but never expose that to our children.
While it is true I have some scars such as trust issues and issues with not opening up entirely... I am not broken. Sadly, women are attracted to men that are hard to get; go figure. The fact is, it takes time to really know the heart of the person you are with. When I say time, I don't mean weeks or months. Enough said.
So in my quest to keep my children together, I had to find resources. I didn't just start dating again so I would be happy. I certainly didn't become a misogynist either. I kept focus on my children too. And if I had not already made it clear... my children came first before all things. Good men think this way. I'm betting if you are single father reading this, you are saying, "I get you man, I get you."
Now... if you are a single father, you will have your own story to tell and own heartache I'm sure. We all know the stats by now... 50% of marriages today end up in divorce (and that stat is going to increase) and 70% of all divorces are initiated by women. Men don't want this. No one should. The laws of our land make it too easy to divorce with hardly any reason let alone cause. I say if you are married and want a divorce, OK. But if you have children, you better have a damn good reason. As much as I love women, most (not all) women are destroying men with our legal system. They are abusing the power of our legal system that was built to protect them. Take that away and make the playing field level and divorces will go down and children will be less likely to end up repeating the cycle.
Divorce consultant Jayne Major:
"Divorced men are often devastated by the loss of their children. It's a little known fact that in the United States men initiate only a small number of the divorces involving children. Most of the men I deal with never saw their divorces coming, and they are often treated very unfairly by the family courts."
Additional Help for Men going through divorce or an abusive relationship as an abused husband: http://larshindsley.com/blog/_archives/2007/3/5/2783120.html
Next... Single Fathers Fighting For Custody - Part Two: Custody Battles Affect on Men
