Today I'd like to discuss dining out in the dating process.   Men, regardless of if you are contemporary or a traditionalist you need to know the basics.  As to whether they apply to your date is a relative decision you should be savvy enough to know.

In the subject area of dining out (formal and fine dining), we are assuming this is at least a fine dining experience.  This dinner logic means a location and etiquette you intend to impress your lady with.  If you are wearing jeans or you both wandered in without planning, this article will bear little relevance.

First you should understand that in today's world women get to have their cake and eat it too.  It's not your part to question this; it's your role to accept it whether you agree or not.   Don't be stubborn or open this up to discussion with a lady.   In short I'm offering that women have fought for equality to men, yet still expect chivalry.  And frankly, you should always be willing to be chivalrous.   Assuming she is an emotionally healthy woman she may demand you vote for a woman candidate because it’s time for woman in the Whitehouse, while justifiably expecting you pull out her chair so she may sit. Life is full of seemingly contradictory states of being but not everything is scientific and manners are a dying art.

Again I'm speaking of a dinner date, not a business lunch which is diametrical in rules.   The rules are drastically different here. You'd insult a woman at a business lunch with much of these rules.  I know… it’s just another one of life’s coded distal causes to man’s stress.

PLAN YOUR DINNER ENGAGEMENT

Plan ahead.  With both your date and the restaurant.  In terms of your date, does she loath seafood or love spicy dishes? Unless she is Italian and sings the praises of pasta, be careful of setting up a first date dinner date at an Italian restaurant. At this stage it is a fuax pas (an unwritten rule).  Save that dinner engagement for later, think of the implications pasta and noodles have by staining shirts or pants for the balance of your evening.   Getting to her eating interests should be done in stealth mode.  For you to get it right in your restaurant choice without being obvious is the sign of a very considerate and conscious man in a subtle way. And if she notices this outright, you'll make an even better impression.  You want that don't you?

While mentioning the subject of first dates… don’t do the casino of you are looking to do a fine dining experience.  They are great for freebees like taking in a band or such, but the fine dining experience is diluted in the carnival spirit.  To keep her focused on you in a fine dining element, allow the restaurant to be the focal point.

I live in Delaware.  I can count on one hand how many formal fine dining restaurants in this state are worth my time.  If you are like me, a dinner date can be a cultural experience.  Plan it according to your relationship and interests.   I’ll drive to New York to experience everything from trendy to formal.   You may have to leave your comfort zone too, but never appear out of your element.  Planning is key.  You may be rich or poor; either way would you visit another country without speaking the language or understanding the basics of their culture?  The dining experience is the same.   Call ahead and speak to the maître d for tips on that very restaurant you plan to visit.   He will be your key to an amazing experience when you get there and his friendship will show your date that you are likable and in-the-know.  Women are attracted to confident men.  You must maintain that through-out your relationship.

I know this is an article about dining but just in case… Guys… Learn to dance.  I can’t say enough of what this will do for you in terms of respect, awe and charm.  If you are dining in a truly formal setting, then formal dancing may enter the picture.  In this case, take lessons after work for a month or so without her knowing.  Once you learn, it’s like riding a bike.

ARRIVAL AT THE RESTAURANT

Valet the car.  Open her door.  Check her coat unless she protests (she should do this mildly if she wants her wrap).  However think ahead.  If you’ve done your homework the restaurant my be chilly and you could recommend keeping a wrap for the table.  Again, plan ahead and tip her off that sometimes people find it cool at the restaurant.  Women love to dress and this may be her excuse to take along something she wants to show off. 

Like at a picture show, put your cell phone on vibe.  Enough said.  

Her chair… this one is more important than you know.  You don’t just help her with her chair.  The way you help is crucial.  For the most part she will do most of the work, you are merely committing to the act of helping.  In most cases you won’t actually lift the chair but assist in the movement.  You know the football term, “soft hands”, it applies here.

As soon as you are seated take the napkin from the table and place it on your right leg.  Do not toss it to the chair seat like a stud, especially during a formal dinner.  Its proper location is to the left or right of your plate.  When done dinner, it still should not be left on the chair.

ORDERING

If you have a good memory, you should establish what your date will have and repeat her order first, otherwise traditionalist know the lady orders first.

While you may order an entrée, and main course, establish with your date if both or either of you will be having one or both.   Why?  So you may give the wait staff direction without them asking or at least know the answer right away should they ask how your entrée should be served IF only one of you will be having an entrée.   

When eating bread, you place it on a small plate breaking off pieces of which you then butter and eat.  Think dignity here gents. Once you pick up a knife, even the butter knife you do not put it directly on the table again.  It rests on the plate. 

It’s not a first date is it?  If not, then don’t worry about appearing gauche, you don’t have to stick to just knife and fork staples such as steak, chicken or fish.   Use common sense. 

THE PLACE SETTING AND HOW TO USE IT

Basic rule… outside in.  Start with your outer utensils first, working your way inward.  When you pick up a utensil, it doesn’t touch the table again other than to rest on a plate. The pointed tips on a fork are called “tines” learn this word as a just in case but know that the tines face downwards when you rest your fork on your plate, because when you are done, the tines face up.  This is the tip to a professional wait staff that you are done.

The waiter should approach serving you from the left and remove from your right.

There can be subtle variations to the table setting.   If the butter knife is not on or near the butter plate, it will be pre-set to the most oustide of your flatware on the right of your plate.  Again, think outside in.

Soup spoons should be next and may not always be rounded and obvious in shape.  Your teaspon is next and should be smaller in length.  Finally is the dinner knife, it's longer than your butter knife and should be obvious.

In the case of formal dining your soup bowl will already be placed on your plate.  Otherwise a server will bring soup to you in the case of fine dining.

DINING

Don’t eat until both of you have been served.  

In a formal dinner setting your flatware is replaced by wait staff if they replace your plate. 

Keep your elbows and arms off the table and your left arm is left in your lap when not using it to eat.   This does NOT make you look foolish.  You’ll be surprised how easy it is to relax this way.

Excuse yourself to answer a phone call or blow your nose etc…  This is when you place your napkin at the side of your plate remember?  When you return, place your napkin back on your lap.  If it’s soiled ask for a new one.

If your lady has to get up, you should get up but this can depend on the formality of the restaurant.  This is why you call ahead to speak to the maître d'. You learn the culture of the restaurant in advance.

Paying for the meal... while this is no longer de rigueur that a man pays for everything, this is an event where you are proving your worthiness.  You picked the setting, you pay, and you tip. Unless you are married, and even then it's never too late to show your chivalrous side, you as a man are expected to pay. What exceptions are there?  When I was married, I paid for EVERY single meal except when she took me out for my birthday dinner.  I even paid for non-fine dining meals, but that is just me.   This has NOTHING to do with buying your lady’s time or attention.  We are assuming for the sake of this discussion you are in real and honest relationship with an emotionally healthy woman.  Let me sum it up like this… if you are willing to put a woman in a lifeboat on a sinking ship before a man, you should have no problem paying for her meal.