This afternoon I as driving and talking to my eldest son about right and wrong. In an attempt to explain to him the value of what right is to him alone I explained that in life, we all quietly to our self build a resume of respect for our self.
Think about this carefully. What is it that we value from the people whom are important in our lives, from friends and relatives to people that can be of influence in our business lives such as someone that reports to us or whom we report to? People have no interest in maintaining a relationship with those they do not respect.
In life we all build equity of respect from the world around us. What does an athlete want from his peers? He wants to be recognized as being capable or superior or remembered for a feat. He (or she) wants respect. What does a wife expect to earn from a husband if she stays at home to raise children? Appreciation that ultimately is respect. For my son I expressed to him that in life every one of us is on a path in which we hope to build a resume of respect from all of those that come into our life. I explained that I as his father, his brother, his mother, his friends and even his teachers measure him by an unspoken variable ...respect.
You build on this. In time you build a bank of equity; and equity of respect. Have you heard of the term "self worth"? Sure it has everything to do with self-esteem, but it has a deeper meaning. Your confidence and pride in yourself is spawned from the respect you have for yourself. The exception is of course is those people without a moral compass. But for the remaining 99 percent of us, we operate day-to-day in hopes of doing things that garner respect.
Let's explore the issue of moral compass briefly. Without a moral compass, respect is of no consequence. There are times in all of our lives that we let go of our moral compass. The things we do in that time are usually self-absorbed acts, if anything people fear us, they do not respect us for our actions. While it's true we respect power and what can be accomplished from it, we don't respect the entity, we respect the power. In business some people are sharks, they rise to the top by killing everything in their path, they don't care (no moral compass) what anyone thinks as they rise above others. If the law doesn't catch them, they continue to lay waste to everything in their quest for their own gain. They mistake people's respect for their power as respect from them as a person when in fact there is no respect to be had. Only those that confuse their power and misconstrue what they see respect a shark. A shark in the ocean is a whole other story. Everything in the sea respects the shark.
Yes you go to work for a paycheck, not respect. Or do you? If you earn respect doesn't that give you credibility in opportunity for advancement? And who among us goes to work simply to put in 8 hours and go home? The fact is we all want to push the envelope, we work hoping to leverage everything we do into another opportunity for MORE. We all want to go forward and to do so a key component is respect. Respect you gain from others and respect you gain for yourself.
Have you ever let yourself down? How do we often refer to that act? We refer to it as losing a little, self-respect. Yes, there is an equity of respect.
When you date someone what is it you value most from them? Their desire for your body or the respect they have for your mind? And I said value most. Look -- I like a beautiful body as much as the next guy but if a woman is all beauty and no intellect, I'm not going to be able to sustain a meaningful relationship with her. Without respect for a woman's mind, I have no interest in maintaining a relationship. That is the key for ... more»
Have you ever refrained from giving someone advice because you know it's beyond they're comprehension of acceptance? No, I'm not talking about telling someone to quit smoking or lose some weight. However those examples would work.
I think a good example is youth. Ever heard of the saying, "the hard way" as in learning the hard way. Some people have to learn the hard way. In youth you can warn someone of the mistakes they are making or the path they are following but it is impossible for your advice to penetrate their level of understanding and acceptance. In a case such as this, all you can think to yourself is: "You won't get it until it's too late."
I write a lot of advice here. I comment for your entertainment. I'm not a know it all although if all you ever did was read my articles you'd think so. So it's important you know I don't run about dispensing advice to everyone around me. I save that for my kids.
We all watch or read the news. We see world events; we often see the future but can't stop it because so many of us have an agenda that only looks over the hood of our car. Yet we all know when driving no one ever looks just in front of our vehicle, we peer down the road. I knew a girl once that was drop dead gorgeous. She ran over guys and felt being a bitch was her right. She didn't have a lot of personality, but she had looks. I warned her, one day your looks will fade and if you don't choose a man early on that is in it for you and not your looks, then later you'll find yourself bitter and lonely even if ... more»
I don't want to come off like a motivational life coach. This plan is really how you do it. It's simple.
If you want to reach any goal, it can't be a mere vision quest. OK... if it's one goal you have burned into your psyche then yes, that's a vision quest. The New Year's Resolution is different.
First off, most of us have a few resolutions. You can have as many as you want, but the key to each and every one is WRITE IT DOWN.
We've all heard that before. It's not the key to keeping your resolution. The key is to make yourself accountable. To do this, POST your resolutions for all to see. No, not on your MySpace page ...Well maybe. It depends on how personal it is.
No. You post it in your cubical at work, or on the fridge at home. When others see your goals, you are now accountable. Now let's use an example, one all of us can relate to. A new job. Let's say in this coming year you want a new job. Road map it. By January 10th you'll have your resume completed, or updated. Whichever. Then you set small goals. Each week you promise yourself that the resume will be sent out to no less than two new prospective employers per week. If after three weeks you are not hired you will send it to no less than 5 or 8 prospective employers. You make a goal of no less than one interview per week. These are all bullets under your listed resolution/goal.
Let's say it's lose weight, or just plain eating better. For instance last year I gave up donuts. This year I intend to minimize my chocolate consumption. One dark chocolate bar per day and only if ... more»
When the pendulum sways in one direction, eventually it swings back in the direction of its opposite and thus the balance of the universe is maintained.
I believe in balance. I've seen it in action, yet often it takes place in a time frame that doesn't agree with our own needs. Yin and Yang play out similarly but that is more of an understanding that without bad there is no good, and that light and darkness live in harmony etc... The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. The prisoner cherishes freedom when it returns more than the man who has enjoyed it all his life. The greater the injustice the greater the justice when it is served, a balance inevitably takes place.
Balance is something I've found is crucial in the lives of man. Look at relationships. People find each other because they balance each other out. Strong personalities find softer ones and somehow they compliment each other and balance each other out. Two type-A personalities can also co-exist because there is something between them that allows them to even each other out, where neither one is above or beyond the other. Of course many times this doesn't work but that is because they lack the balancing component needed to produce harmony between them. This is really how it works for any relationship. Where harmony is predicated on differences, the differences are what allow balance to take place between two people that co-exist in such peace.
Balance in nature is obvious, the food chain, the weather, you name it. It all has a precise balance between each component to make life work.
If you are a steady reader here or just know me personally you know I'm big on positive energy. I surround myself with it. I play volleyball at a gym and have great friends there. But I also listen to music while I play so that I can tune out the people that are rude. I ... more»
Life is a series of long goodbyes. In it we learn to let go, and move on.
When I was in my twenties I began writing a song in hopes of using it one day. I'm a writer and I write lyrics. The song was Long Goodbye. It came to me when I lost people in my life whom I cared about deeply. From losing those I loved, to losing friends in death, there were people I had come to care about and for the same reasons you may have in your own life, I lost these people.
The song never came together magically because I didn't have the answers. I had a hard time making sense of what I wanted to write. I missed the key to why we live in these series of long goodbyes. The key was understanding that more»
Don't you love it when people say one thing and do another? Or are you the type that can't determine what to believe based on words? I mean, someone tells you they feel one way, but their actions spell a different meaning.
Then if you tell them you know the truth, their answer is "think what you want". Now that's funny. I think the real answer is they want you to think against your own intellect. They want you to misread the truth and assume the position they want you to believe in.
People, this is why God granted us instinct. I use it every day. I once forgot to rely on it. I suggest you go with yours. more»
Something good happens in your life. Something bad happens... Isn't it funny how we reflect on either and the story we tell in recanting how it came to pass always seems to come down to "one thing"? But really, is it ever really one thing?
OK, if you hit the winning home run. You could say you got a good pitch; that can be one thing. You can explain to a child that the sky is blue because the sun's light passing through out atmosphere reflects the blue waves, but then a child will insist on more such as what scatters the blue waves? Why don't other colors scatter? The list goes on. And why? Because it's never "one" thing that is the cause of our outcomes. I'm sure there are exceptions but in reality I believe it is not always, "one thing".
A couple will place a camera on a rock in the wilderness to take a photo of themselves. As the camera counts down and the moment arrives, a squirrel will curiously pop up in the frame as the photo is taken. What "one thing" will occur to make that happen? The answer is - no one thing occurred. Everything that led that couple to that rock was met equally be a lifetime in that squirrels life where they intersected. No one thing brought them to the photo, but it sure is one amazing moment.
Your wife may cheat on you. You could sum it up as one thing; "She was selfish". But really, could there have been just one thing that lead her to that act of betrayal?
You may fall on hard times and steal something to make ends meet. Would it be one thing that made you do it? Would you minimize the act describing yourself as a person without a moral compass? Because even the best among us fail.
The career you have. Was that something you fell into by "one thing"? Was there something defining that made you a banker or musician? No. It's never one thing. ... more»
It's time I discuss dating again.It seems to be a subject many people enjoy
reading about.The problem is (if a
problem at all) since being divorced, I avoid drama like the plague.It's why I don't have a girlfriend - well
that's not the only reason of course.But it feeds into why I don't offer a woman 'the boyfriend experience'.
One girl/lady/woman (you pick) I dated once remarkedthat I was closed off and I didn't give her
enough of me.With my head turned I
closed my eyes thinking, "My strength is my silence".She said I was like talking to a wall.So I answered, "Buddha once sat before a
wall and when he walked away he was enlightened."Oh the stir that answer caused.It seems my Zen philosophy was totally lost
on her.
The good news I must tell you that men and women do want the
same thing.We know and appreciate what
love can do.There is something about
love that makes the simple act of someone you care so deeply about that the
mere act of seeing their body approach the bed to make love - being naked...you sense every move, the momentis sensuously charged.Meanwhile most of us make love to people we
don't even like.We stifle ourselves by
settling.
It's when I wax poetic like this that many women feel they
want to connect with me.... more»
I've often said, "Your mouth is your enemy." There is a reason silent people are respected. They don't say anything to embarrass themselves. The less we say the smarter we are. While some of you reading this may react to think, "Yes but that's only because you are perceived smarter". No the fact is you are smarter for knowing to keep your trap shut. You could say it's more mature, and while that is true just wait until you cross someone that really pisses you off or has said or done things that may outrage you. A smart man (or woman) knows now more than ever is a time to keep your mouth shut.
Here is what separates the dumb asses from geniuses. When you do open your mouth, leave the editorial out. What do I mean? The smart person leaves what is on their mind, in their mouth. The art of biting your tongue means when arguing (arguing in the sense that you are rationally debating a point - you are not angry) you stay on subject, you don't drift into a personal attack and ultimately leave opinion out of the words that exit your mouth; as hard as it may be!
It is like sending a letter or e-mail. Sit on it a while. Read it later so you can be objective towards your own words and cast out what is likely to cause trouble. You have to be able to ask yourself, what is the outcome of saying these words? Words come at a price. Measure the costs of the words you speak. It's hard to undo the damage of words.
There are other times to bite your tongue and you'll hold your head high afterward if you handle it like this. Let's assume someone says to you, "I'm sick of how you treat me with disrespect!" Now let's assume you've more»
We all make mistakes. It's what we do with those mistakes that defines our character. The good in us is what redeems us. Some mistakes are a product of today's societal priorities, vanity and greed. Others are as innocuous as they are innocent. Often I've looked at situations and evaluated my choices with this thought in the recess of my mind, "If the risk is little, the reward is little". When you live in these terms, you find yourself sometimes looking down the barrel of life's gun when the risk factors don't pay the dividends you hope for. What can you do? It's that time that perhaps you do some soul searching. It's that time that the real you is defined in a time of uncertainty. I mean, if you make a choice it and does not play out the way you hope, you are left with a mess.
Do you walk away from that mess? Do you clean it up? Taking ownership of a mistake is something so few of us can and will do. Why? Because society, bad parents and more have indoctrinated us with the ability to shift blame. We've forgotten how a past mistake can be a guide to our future. Instead, so many of us discard the experience as if it never occurred. So many among us don't take ownership of our bad decisions, yet we beat our chest with the slightest of achievements.
So when we really screw things up, we have but two options. React or respond. To respond is the road to redemption. In redemption you are blessed with your own self respect. In the time of redemption we often make the acquaintance of loneliness. It can be a dark time, but it can also be a time to find ... more»
Here is my theory on the middle of nowhere. Being nowhere implies that you are surrounded by nothing. You are standing in the middle of a bulls eye. As far from something in every direction. Picture yourself in a desert, or ocean. Hope is bleak. Or is it? Before I tell you what hope there is in being in the middle of nowhere, consider the circumstances in which put people there.
What places you in such a tough place? How is it we find ourselves sometimes feeling trapped? How is it we sometimes find ourselves lost? Or empty? When you ... more»
We all make decisions in life that we must live with. Strangely enough the evolution of the world in which we presently live has afforded many people a chance to avoid, shift responsibility or just plain evade ownership of their actions. Writing about that would drive to frustration.
But it leads me to this. Sometimes we make decisions and fate is no longer in our hands. Good or bad, the future is no longer yours.
In what situations does this happen? How much attention or what act is so decisive that you can't avoid being caught in the hands of fate? Is it killing someone? Is it having a baby? What between life and death traps our path?
I can say that a memory or history of an action can be the catalyst. Often we forget what others remember and that history comes back to haunt us.
You may also find that if are great, others expect you to be great and you then live for others and not yourself. A cause can be bigger than you. The meaning you life takes on is no longer your own.
There are moments, and decisions in our life that occur when you know the future is no longer yours. The future and your destiny are decided. Like a prisoner in a jail cell, you have no choice. The question is do you accept the future or deny it. To deny it is to feel pain. To accept it is to make the best of it and perhaps find happiness, or redemption in it.
Think about the decisions you make today. Most are trivial and will bear no concern to your future. At least not that it would affect your future to a degree that you no longer dictate it. You will decide ... more»
What do you do when you catch people in a lie? I usually let them bury themselves. My history is to in general never tell them about ever knowing the truth either. For most of us this usually involves a spouse. But there are many times it happens with colleagues, business relationships of many sorts and friends.
The white lies I'll confront people with. I'll do it with a laugh letting them off the hook. I do that as my own way of telling them, I'm no spring chicken. But in the end, I have to admit most people don't pick up on the fact I keep my mouth shut and know more than I let on.
Why do I do this? I think it goes back to my spy days. I've learned that you never know when someone will come in handy so I don't burn bridges. Not with anyone if I can help it. I've even gone as far as to stoke the flames of old friendships going sour just to make sure I've not put myself in a position of compromise with these people later.
So no, I'm not a coward that can't confront people. If you know me I don't back down from a fight. But I do know the art of diplomacy. When it comes to lies, I suggest you all keep a large database of them in your head, but don't challenge people when they lie to unless their lie is directly affecting you or you can't sustain it. When you challenge them, they now consider you an adversary and are willing to hurt you or know they must be more guarded in the future.
Just some advice from a wry spy. Do with it what you will. ;) more»
The world is a tough place. Today's world is very complicated to survive in. Relationships of every sort are no longer a simple road to travel. We survivors are faced with adversaries whom suffer from an anemia of character.
On occasion we all come up against a recalcitrant character.
In general I consider people obstacles. Someone I merely go over, around, under or through. There is no emotional involvement in my decision making. But there are times I realize that if I've been able to successfully navigate the waters of my forced relationships, why not share with others how to not only cope -- but to deal with such a person with ease.
First you need to understand the mind of such a person. They come in all types but no matter what they are, the dominant trait is selfishness to the point of no moral compass. A person such as this has but one weapon in their arsenal. Deny and attack.
You can catch such a person in the act of doing wrong and they will still deny they are guilty of any wrong doing and then attack you. I call this blame shifting. Need an example? Let's say you were to walk in on them while they are having an affair. When I say walk in, I mean you catch them in bed having sex with another person. Now of course you are standing there righteous in the moment. What does this person do? Yes, the deny and attack. They say, "It's your fault." You can fill in the rest with whatever excuse they want to offer but the key words are they blamed you. For example, <sarcasm> if only you were a better person then they would not have cheated on you! </sarcasm>
I picked the example above as I needed to make clear of just how badly you can catch a person treating you and to them, they will never take ownership of their actions. You cannot win. Imagine if you were forced to be in the company of someone like this for many years.
There is a secondary part to this. It is called Plausible Deniability. People need ... more»
The old is old and over, the new has just begun And standing in the rain never felt so much like the sun
Once again today, I give you words of instinct that are my words.
I'd like to share a story behind them. They are from a poem, a song and story I've written. The poem became the song Tears I Won't Cry. The story is Aeroplane City.
Those two verses have been profound to me for a long time you might say. I think I recall being inspired by an old Jules Shear song where he sang, "I know I can last but I don't think it matters." Which is kind of sad I know but very poignant to me. And I realize as you read that line and compare "and standing in the rain never felt so much like the sun" to what Jules wrote there is little connection for you. But as you have known for some time, my mind travels fast through its train of thought. The key to understanding how I think is that I know my life to be a paradox.
You see, in the absence of having lived without, you can't appreciate what you have. Therefore being denied happiness makes the joy of obtaining it that much sweeter.
Vanilla Sky almost ruined this secret philosophy that I falsely believed was my own with it's running theme of ... more»
I penned a poem once where I struggled with the loss of love. I wrote to her, "I've separated myself from you without separating my own heart". We give our hearts to the people we enter into a relationship with. It is as if your heart never really belongs to you. It's a hard pill to swallow. When we lose a relationship, our heart is still in the past, belonging to someone that does not deserve it; they certainly do not want it. It is as if we must find someone new to give it to.
I often wonder if love is like a limited energy resource. There is only so much of it to give and if you don't nurture it, one day it dies; never to be given again. more»
An object in motion tends to stay in motion... What motivates us? What in our lives provides us the power to achieve? Determination; but motivation is what comes into play when determination falters.
Every day we wake up from bed and we have goals, battles, tasks and more. Some things must be done, other things we hope to do. To what end do we achieve these things? How much do we care? Do we not care?
Think of people such as Hollywood stars, or athletes that seemingly have it all. Think of politicians in the spotlight or simply just a business owner that has reached the pinnacle of their trade? Did they just fall into these greater lives or were they highly motivated? What kept them motivated? There are people we see around us in our jobs that are one, two or many steps ahead of us and we may envy them. Do you accept your role or do you want more? And when you do want more, what do you use for motivation?
I understand the importance of setting goals, small and large and moving towards them. Yet so many days of the year I wake up without the desire to reach that end goal. Some days I need motivation.
The other day I was watching an action movie. I saw the protagonist working hard, music in the soundtrack proving he was up to his task and the energy was there. I about wanted to get up and go skate and lift weights and in my mind I saw my self getting stronger with every push, every lift. It was amusing. But it was also motivating. That burst of interest and energy made me think. What an unusual means of motivation had taken place with me.
When a guy is dating a woman that he really cares to be with and values her, his is motivated to please her because the fear of loss is greater than ... more»
This is my philosophy of separate perfection. It hinges on the concept that you can't be from someone until you are separated to someone.
Some philosophical concepts in my life come from my younger days at Newark Baptist Church of all places. I sat isolated yet near the rest of the teens and behind the adults. Who knew I was actually paying attention. My subjective concept of existing as one thing and then becoming another thing is one I have written about recently and it plays into this concept of separating from something to something.
If you read my previous article on this subject (The Paradox of the Beginning and The End) you know I've stated that the difference between numerical values can always be parsed down to fractions which make it hard to differentiate between two values. For example 1 and 2 are different values, but how does the value of one finally become the value of two when there is amount of 1.5 or 1.75 percent. Sure it's closer to the value of two, and it is more than one but one is still not two. But... an apple and an orange are definitely two things you can clearly separate. One can't be the other. It's either an apple or an orange.
This brings me to the concept of no longer being a part of something. I can't call this a theory or perception either.
...My pastor once said, you can't be separated from something until you are separated to something. He was speaking in spiritual terms. I believe this bears truth with people and love as much as does other concepts with the exception of proximal and distal causes.
So we come to love and people ...relationships.
There is something mythical about love. It may be a imaginary. It may be ephemeral, it may a fortune that few ever truly capture. No matter what it is, when you feel it that trigger of dopamine makes any drug you could ever experience pale in comparison to the satisfaction of love. That ardent sense of peace... I know - I know! I'm not the love sort. I now live within the realm of a moon on the grid, but it doesn't mean I've never known what it feels like. I recalled the taste of it when I was watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist recently. It is a typical story of boy loses girl and stumbles onto a better one; a real one. Like an old 80's Huey Lewis video, our protagonist, Nick finds love while he's trying to reconcile his emotions and the loss of his current love interest. Hey we've seen it all before. Remember Better Off Dead? John Cusack's character Lane thinks he'd be... better off dead than to live without his all looks and no personality girlfriend. But what happens? Someone of substance just happens to fall into his life. The beauty of her exuded from within.
Now I ask you. How often does that happen to you and I? Never. But it more»
How do you teach your son about trust? Specifically who in life to trust. Friends can be enemies. And this is the hardest lesson in life to learn. I tell a story to friends about a little bird as a joke. It has a moral to it that some people you think are out to hurt you actually intend to help you and that some people you think want to help you actually mean to do you harm.
I'm about to let you readers understand something about me this one time. And despite this insight I grant you. I'm leaving out some components that will forever keep me safe.
When I was a young boy in my teens I learned the value of friendship. I learned the value of just 'one' friend. That is all I needed. It's all perhaps anyone needs. I think it is why men and women fall in love--ultimately. Or at least they search for it. But as I was a young boy growing up in a hard state like Delaware, before all the banks and corporations started injecting new blood into the state, this was a hard place. I used to joke that the exterior of Delawareans was so hard that you needed to complete a credit check to go out on a date with a girl. Delaware and life taught me how people could hurt you if your guard was down for even a moment. If there was something to be gained, then a person would discard your friendship like trash in exchange for their own benefit. Early on in this time in my life, I was only beginning to understand the concept of how I would approach friendship. Polonius advice to Laertes stuck in my mind:
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
I eventually grew beyond this simplistic point of view. But I didn't abandon it altogether.
My perspective is not that I see people as only bad, or evil. I simply know that everyone on this earth, past, present and future are capable of being good and evil all in the same breath. That understanding has guided me. At one point in my marriage (when I was married) I learned the smallest of things which triggered my wife into behaving irrational and evil. I learned, I could love her, but it came with an understanding that I had to appease her so that the evil in her didn't manifest itself. She epitomized my perception of this rational.
I think it was during this time I learned "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer." I began to realize there were few people that I thought of as my friend whom actually were my friend. And even those that I called friends. ...Well I learned not to share many of my true opinions. I'm happy to say that people I don't like, have no clue that I see them for what they are. I suppose you could say I never tip my hand and I wear a constant poker face to insulate myself against antagonist.
I was in a large group setting today. One guy was spouting off his point of view about how in this world only the strong survive and the weaker deserve to perish and get what they deserve which is nothing. He had other pointed comments that in certainly offended some in the room. I understood then as I have for many years--not to expose my position other than to be perceived as neutral. When it comes to people I work with, or deal with on constant basis... I don't give up my point of view easily. Even then, I'm careful. For instance, did you know that even here in my blog, I will hide some of my real thoughts on life?
And that is the crux of this article. It is unwise at best to let anyone know your agenda in life. Not if you don't want to leave yourself open to attack or betrayal.
Someone once told me, "Your mouth is your enemy." I'll take that lesson to my grave. I've added it to my arsenal of checks and balances when I speak.
By the time I hit my twenties I had learned. Never more»
Today I'm skating in the park. It made sense, I had to skate in the park on a 63 degree day in February. I was going to meet a friend soon, but for now it was just the music in my ears and people passing by.
These moments are philosophical times. I sat on a bench to eat some carrot sticks and grapes. Parents walking by, couples, and then I noticed. Women I had seen before. I'm on a dating site and I was surprised at how many single women I saw in the park that are on this dating site. Now this is not the point of my article but I must warn you men. Wow, I never realized how many women don't look like their photos.
Well I'm sitting on the bench thinking about how on the dating site there is a forum for daters over 30. Yes. I'm over 30. And post came to mind as I was sitting there. It was one asking, Why are women over 30 a failure.. another one questioned the sanity of unmarried women over 30 and the list could go on. But the thought was in my head. There was all this talk about how anyone that was divorced and over 30 was a failure or a social misfit.
I have to agree, from what I've encountered, this is true on a whole. It is why men and women look to date people that have not been married and don't have children. I've been fortunate. I've avoided this pitfall in dating I won't say why. But I was sitting thinking.. What is the answer?
Ultimately I figured it. If you live long enough, you will make mistakes. The highbrow insolence of the unmarried and youth is always replaced by the ... more»
I think there is a time to love. And I -- where as at one point in my life I believed that love was eternal, I've learned it is for some but not for everyone. And that is not a bad thing.
Yeah, here I go again finding the good in something so many expect to be bad. Don't take a highbrow look at my viewpoint just yet. Allow me to persuade you.
First off you must subscribe to this one belief before anything. Before you love anyone, you must learn to love yourself. What does that mean? Find happiness in your life. Be content with your life. Make it a life worth living. Have your own interests and pursue them, not for anyone else but yourself. Be a baseball player, a musician, a nurse, a police officer or cook. It appears younger people struggle with love more than mature people that learn life is so much more than investing yours in one other person. We should all be so luck to find our calling in life early and have a chance to pursue it. Even if you don't have a notable career, have interests and hobbies. From forming a book club or athletic club to breeding animals or learning horseback riding. Find a niche' for yourself. Be somebody... for you. And then, you'll find that the somebody you created for you, is somebody worth loving by someone else.
The stage is set. Or should I say the stage is now set for love. What is love? Definitions abound. Some components are desire, understanding, forgiveness and of course dopamine. <smile> But let's not break down love. We all have our own point-of-view and opinion. Many of us want it; to different degrees depending on what type of personality you are: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic or Phlegmatic. Let's not go there either. That's another article...
Here is a personal experience. I was married. more»
I'm not sure if this is filed under Men's Help, Philosophy, or maybe just Words of Instinct. You decide.
I'm not a hard man. To know me is to see a dedicated father that may have no other purpose but to be a good father. Yet, when my children are away, I enter back into the world of single people. I enjoy days alone without female company. And I date.
There is this unspoken dogma of dating. A general expectation among daters is to settle in or settle down or conform to the standard societal expectations of a the traditional anglo monogamous relationships. The path or journey of every relationship leads to an exclusive relationship. And of course, to you friends of mine reading my blog articles... you know I was married. You know what I've been through. The rest of you, avid readers, or people just dropping in to read an article or two... You know I'm a feircely proud single full time father of two.
The questions always come back to, "What is it you are looking for Lars?" I've tried to answer with, "I don't owe anybody an answer." It never seems to be enough to stop the questioning. And what of my own privacy? I've actually had to learn to fight for it here while using my own life experiences to write meaningful and/or entertaining articles.
I'm a writer. I write here to entertain, to offer insight and help where I can. My life is my own. But the questions do keep coming. "Don't you want somebody to love?" and perhaps the most asked question, "Why are you alone?"
Let me then answer you the question with a zen teaching I happen to follow: "Tie two birds together and though they have four wings, ... more»
Things have a beginning and they have an end. When something begins, it can begin with a bang or a sneak up on you. When things end, they can end with a thud or slip away.
I used to think about people wanting to know the difference between two states of being. For instance, how does a person know if they are going to heaven or not? How do they know this for their self? Sure you can kid yourself and have peace-of-mind. But do you really know? Wouldn't you really want to know?
Take for instance the shrinking man. It was an old black and white film. He kept shrinking, half his size. Smaller and smaller. It was sad of course. He lost his wife, children etc... but he never died. He just kept getting smaller. He went on a journey of constantly shrinking. Half, then half again. But he never vanished, never reached zero, just infinite halves.
There are different states of being. There is the number 1 and the number 2. When does the number one end and the number 2 begin? You can have 1 1/2 and still be 1. For that matter, isn't 1 and 2/3 still a factor of one? You are still not quite at 2. Where does 1 end and 2 begin?
But an apple and orange are utterly different. You can't be part of an apple and part of an orange. You are one or the other. You don't have that slow blend of going from an apple to an orange in the same way that 1 becomes 2.
In the world of God, you can know when you are going to heaven when you die. You are never 1.999 recurring. You are either an apple or an orange. I won't ... more»
Today I'd like to visit the subject of resentment. Specifically in relationships between lovers. Again, being a man, this subject will lean from a man's perspective. Sorry ladies, but there are literally thousands of women's resources where men are covered from your perspective and this realm is one of a man's point-of-view.
Before I get into details allow me to share the inspiration of my article today. It's an article written by a woman at the Daily Beast. It's titled, Love In A Time of Layoffs by Ester Martinez but the subject matter is specifically about her resentment towards her boyfriend. more»
Considering or planning a resolution of change for the new year? Do you have a mental list or actual list of resolutions of change? And has the New Year Resolution become a game to you? Do you take it lightly or has it become a challenge of serious importance to you? Allow me to share my own experiences with the New Year Resolution.
What's the point of a resolution in the first place? Improvement? Like ending a bad habit, self improvement or guilt? The idea behind the New Year's Resolution is simple. You are using the beginning of a new year as a means to start fresh in achieving your goal. It could be a better path to either achieve a personal goal or make a change in your life that will improve your life. Let's cover the typical list of standby resolutions (according to U.S. Government data) many of us decide to take a crack at. I'll add my two cents to these as what comes to mind as I see them.
Lose weight (self-improvement) Manage debt/save money (living responsibly) Get a better job (quality of life) Get fit (self-improvement) Eat right (health) Get a better education (quality of life) Drink less alcohol (health) Quit smoking (health) Reduce stress overall and/or at work (quality of life) Take a trip (recreation) Volunteer to help others (guilt)
I look at these things I get it. We all want a better future. It takes work. Nothing on that list above is simple. It takes a commitment to change your life. It takes work. However here in America, our society has gone far from the concept that you need to earn what you want. The prevailing mental model throughout our country is that it's your birthright to have a nice car, or big house or even health ... more»
As a writer of lyrics, I often discount songs completely when they don't offer me something to learn, or share a story. Philosophy is a key part of my life. In many ways I consider myself a philosopher. The lessons I've learned I impart to my children, and sometimes here at my blog.
Being somewhat philosophical tonight, grant me this moment.
I live a life that was dealt to me after divorce. I'm a guy that made the best of a bad situation. I feel that life isn't fair but you have to be mature enough to accept everything it gives you. Please don't call me lonely when I'm really just alone. I'm not in a relationship, but I sometimes wonder if I will be. It would take a very special woman to keep me around for a lifetime. That thought comes to mind when I hear the words: "Having to Learn the art of trust".
To you casual readers, I'm sure this is nonsense, but to my friends that catch up with me through this blog, you know I'm about one of the happiest people you know. But it doesn't mean when I fold the sheets back on the bed at the end of the day, that I don't wonder if there is someone I'm meant to be with. Now with those private thoughts tucked away in my head, I recently heard a dance tune by BWO called, Destiny of Love.
One day I pointed out the message of this song to people around me; they were quite honestly--completely unaware. I often wonder; how many people listen to lyrics? Even a dance song has a purpose and reason for being. Great art is inspired by great people, people that have great experiences and able to express them words and music.
This video is big on visual, but the words are well inspired. Both from the philosophical point of view about the journey of life and how it leads you to love. It is simple in many ways. It is profound on a number of levels. You'll have to decide for yourself. I'll include the video and lyrics as usual.
Instinct is one of my favorite words. It's not only a sexy word, it's a smart word. It's a word of distinction. Instinct guides you. Most certainly instinct is the real you. It is your subconscious unleashed; it is irresistible. It is the kindness and cruelty manifesting itself in a fleeting moment. Instinct is the foundation of you and your thoughts. Far beyond the innate ability to chew or sense of fairness, instinct is unlearned, untrained, and reflexive; it is a raw drive to do what must be done. Having said that, I don't think of instinct as ethology. I distinguish instinct on a higher plain. It may be raw in drive but it is refined in nature.
Survival comes to mind. Instinct doesn't consider indulging in any secondary thoughts. In a moment of self-preservation instinct is matter of fact, it cuts through the clutter of every thought and commands you with the decision to survive that situation. Fear can cloud your judgment or provide you clarity in a moment. Instinct is oblivious to both. It takes over and guides you safely through.
We are not all equal. There are great minds; and greater minds. There are men of great means, great money, and great education. Instinct is the greater equalizer.
The instincts of men and women are unique and different, yet ultimately... more»
Do you ever wonder why some people argue? Have you ever found yourself stuck facing a constant adversary? Does your life include useless stress?
Well the saying "You have to pick your battles" holds the key in my opinion. And that restraint is a telling sign of maturity.
And if you really break it down, a fight or argument for any reason is wasted energy and counter-productive in my estimation. For instance a friend wants to argue politics. Why? Unless you specifically can impact the outcome of policy, why bother to even debate it beyond learning each others points of view. Now having said that, learning someone's point of view on political positions can be a big help in knowing compatibility. It still doesn't make it worth arguing over. I suppose moral and ethical points of view are hard to argue as well. Again, learn your adversaries position and either work around it or move onto a better more suitable relationship.
Of course a great result of a rational argument can be looking in the mirror -- but how often do ANY of us do any soul searching after discussing issues we disagree on? I know I have,and often do, based on the disagreement in points of view I've had with others. When I find myself in disagreement I take an analytical approach to the problem. For example:
I do not see how they can be both. In a conical relationship theory you see you and a partner spiraling in a positive or negative direction. Once a relationship begins spiraling in the negative direction that conical path starts off slowly and may be reversed if it is to survive, but if not it heads downward towards the end of the spiral where it comes to a point and vanishes. The same can be said for a positive relationship. This poses another question. Does a positive spiral end? Does it spiral faster and heat up and burn out like a star?
Then there is cyclical relationships. In them you are what you are and you will simply repeat with the next person the pattern or behavior of your last relationship. The old saying a leopard doesn't change its spots comes to mind. The good behaviors you expressed in past relationships will repeat in your next. If you are a liar, a cheat, or infidel, that cycle will repeat.
I often wonder how these two theories play out together? Can they meet and live in a sort of synchronistic existence or are then more of a semaphore?
As I was sitting on a bench at the gym today, I got to thinking... Still in an introspective state, I was thinking about how problems are solved. How you control them, avoid them and deal with them. The answer is awareness.
Awareness is the key to many of life's questions. But in the area of avoiding trouble or problems in your life it comes down to awareness.
Example, you don't know you're in jeopardy of being eaten by sharks if you don't know you are swimming in shark infested waters. If you are aware of what is under the surface, you will know better than to jump in.
There is old saying, "learn the hard way". That means finding out by making a mistake. Then you are aware of the danger and consequences by having experienced it.
Some of us don't need to learn the hard way. Some of us have an extended awareness. more»
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lars Hindsley is a self-employed single full time father, a writer, a non conservative Republican, a reformed idealist (a compromisationalist), ex-musician, God fearing cynic that could more easily be described in two words as a "Rugged Intellectual".
Lars writings range from "how to" articles to commentaries and advice. You'll find movie reviews and video picks of the day side by side with serious writings.
Lars offers perspective from an Anglo-Christian moral position while never lording over anyone unlike himself. Lars is of the opinion that if you are going to complain, you should offer a solution. His perspective on the world is that many of us fight societal evolution to frustrating ends without a genuine understanding of what it is we are all up against.
Reading his articles should provide you with positive energy towards living out your day. You may not be able to change the world but you can navigate it to live a rich and rewarding life. Enjoy Lars’ works, there are years of writings to choose from.
Seed Newsvine
Let's explore the issue of moral compass briefly. Without a moral compass, respect is of no consequence. There are times in all of our lives that we let go of our moral compass. The things we do in that time are usually self-absorbed acts, if anything people fear us, they do not respect us for our actions. While it's true we respect power and what can be accomplished from it, we don't respect the entity, we respect the power. In business some people are sharks, they rise to the top by killing everything in their path, they don't care (no moral compass) what anyone thinks as they rise above others. If the law doesn't catch them, they continue to lay waste to everything in their quest for their own gain. They mistake people's respect for their power as respect from them as a person when in fact there is no respect to be had. Only those that confuse their power and misconstrue what they see respect a shark. A shark in the ocean is a whole other story. Everything in the sea respects the shark.
When the pendulum sways in one direction, eventually it swings back in the direction of its opposite and thus the balance of the universe is maintained.
A couple will place a camera on a rock in the wilderness to take a photo of themselves. As the camera counts down and the moment arrives, a squirrel will curiously pop up in the frame as the photo is taken. What "one thing" will occur to make that happen? The answer is - no 
one you care so deeply about that the
mere act of seeing their body approach the bed to make love - being naked
I've often said, 
