Sometimes I dream she is there.  Sometimes I wake in the morning wondering if my soul will ever be whole again.  The only way to to give hope to chaos is to let hope tell me that I can dream she is there.

If I have learned anything it is that before I met her, I knew her image.  My dream is alive and while some dream ...some do. 

To force fate is all I can hope for because structure is the only hope in the balance of chaos.  In the chaos she she will step out of the dark into the light.  It's a dream I have. It's a dream so few ever come to know.  For every dream that has never come true, thousands to millions have hoped to be the one exception to the rule.  If you never quit you get there and love has never died in this heart of mine.  It's merely locked water tight deep inside of me.   I wait in patience hoping she steps out of that dream with the key to my fate. 

She'll be gentle and kind, she'll be strong in her mind.  She'll be honest and true and she'll never leave me when life is cruel. 

But that's not how I live everyday.  It's just sometimes I let my heart outside of my head.  Sometimes ends when I wake from my bed.  Sometimes I dream she is there.  But not today.  Today I can't even see my shadow in front of me, there is no light or bright heaven behind me. It's all just a dream, that sometimes I believe.  Each day gets longer, each night gets colder.  Each day becomes a month each month becomes a year.  My hope fades so that some one else may dream this dream.   ...   more »

It was a long time ago

Yesterday.

Now it's too late to live.

Now I know.

It was a big mistake

There is no future from the past

It was a big mistake and there is no escape

A big mistake of rage and regret, of incomplete tasks and a failed test

The past prevents my future like a shadow you can never shake

It's a past lost in the present like an ephemeral solace you long to taste

Oh how I long for the dusk so that may but for a little while...

Lose that shadow and forget my mistake

Driven by lust where they say the grass is always greener

Out of green comes blue

It was a big mistake.

A life without you

-Lars Hindsley

 

Inspired by an event related to my life, but not by my own mistake.  Observing someone else make a  life changing big mistake.  They made decisions based on desire without really knowing how their decision would destroy any future they had.  In fact that big mistake destroyed other lives. It was a mistake so profound that nothing could alter the future for the better.   I could see that in the end, the mightiest of regrets is the one where they realized all they indeed had before, and had lost forever. 

 

   more »

Wednesday Week

Being Sure, you and I
The hope of the beginning will last to the end
Deceiving ourselves
We're moving but in place

It's the middle of our dream
It's a Wednesday Week
So if our meeting was the beginning
Will parting be the end?

The answer of course must be
To deceive ourselves
Like the Wednesday of a week

 

   more »

Winter kills, death to your memories like fading frames
Winter kills her hope and we don't dream
Winter tears time from our memory
Winter kills time and we miss what we don't see

Once there was summer in her heart
Once summer passed she drifted too far
Our secrets forgotten, our photos fade
Those memories crumble like ice on this day

Winter kills, she's frozen in time
We've never been closer or further apart
One icy eternal thought in her mind
She regrets emotions she no longer feels

Incessant and cruel, winter kills what was you
Blind without color contrast or hue
Winter kills, winter steals
Winter kills you

There is no north no south no east or west
Winter kills everything, no less
Winter kills have come, winter kills will stay

Arctic winds blow in your heart mind and soul
They refuse to answer your eternal cry to just let go

Winter kills are here in your heart to stay
Winter kills burn like ice and cut your lifelines away
She pays the price for my burden and her regret

Winter pains her desire in my virtuous absence
She's just our of reach of the life she lost
Frozen in time, frozen as winter kills
I'm far from her eyes, but no longer blind

If I ever seen her again what would I say?
Those nights we spent together
They are not lost in time
They are frozen in my mind

   more »

Life can be so unfair and what I’ve lost

I’ve had my share

But you can’t face forward looking back

It’s time I forgive you and get mine on track

 

I remember you, and know your heart

Time has given my mind back to me

I see beyond time there’s not future or past

I free you now you’re forgiven at last

 

Love was a phantom burning in ash

With nothing to feel since nothing was real

Love is a shadow in your memory

But you’ll always remember what sets you free

Love has a legacy it remembers the hurt

Love is forgiveness could one be much worse?

 

I forgive you sincerely you must see

But my forgiveness is a ghost haunting your destiny

What happens to you now is not up to me

My only advice is to feel what you didn’t feel for me

Feel it with someone or you’ll never be free

Because you can’t fake pain if you don’t feel

You can only fake feelings you once felt

Like a card you can’t cheat you dealt to yourself

 

I should have known better from those empty eyes

They looked like nothing I ever felt.

My cards on the table I trust myself

I no longer trust the eyes that looked through me

They were dark like a shark that could care less what it swallowed

They showed no emotion empty and hallow

 

No reaching for memories since nothing was real

I know what love is still deserve it I feel

 

Life indeed can be so unfair so its time to accept

You’ve had your share

Of taking what you didn’t deserve

Now take this, forgiveness.

 

You can’t hurt a man that’s gone on living

It’s time you know, you ...   more »

When summer comes it will change my mind

Forgotten lies stay blurred inside

What I lost was never mine

Looking out of these two eyes

I see...

Just one more season

Waiting for a memory

Waiting at a table; mind is reeling

Never mind the drink

I’m waiting for the sun to go down

The back bay’s where I belong

This is my town

 

When the sun goes down

When the crowd leaves town

I require your eyes

And your lonesome smile

 

One more season one more summer burning away (I know)

The Waterfront bades I’m overboard caught in the ebb and flow

 

What is it that makes us stop?

Not the sand at or feet

Not the risk of belief

Not the sun in our eyes

It was just a matter of time

 

One more beach bound daydream crime

One more season of chancing your mine

One less weekend left behind

Sailing off alone

My seasonal home

   more »

Moon on the grid

Withdraw foreboding relief

There’s a moon on the grid

I’ll tell you what it means

 

Moon on the grid

Grim and hollow

Mathematical love

One leads, one follows

 

Chance your power

the language of the soul is love

Leave the moon on the grid

true love will have won

 

Rationalize this fate or discover my name

For my eyes show my soul is embedded with pain

 

Your course is destined moon

Moon on the grid

Plot your course

Could it be changed once again?

 

Moon on the grid

You know its enigma is true

If your soul knows no love

It relies on riddles that give no clues

1984

   more »

I know where I’ve been and don’t want to go back

But my past follows behind on an inward relentless, incessant attack

The past stayed present, went on for years

In sight of my future trading innocence for wisdom

The past stayed present, it went on for years

My past lives with me can I live without fear?

 

Lost so much, gained little back

An awful price, for the faith that I lacked

Laden load ...of misery

Laden with efforts, that counted on me

So time encompassed a captured life

Looking but finding no answer in sight

 

A clever voice waited

Counted on my destiny

The one thing needed was a friend

Deception preyed on that need in the end

Here I am now waiting on you

And my mind is mine once again

This is not praise

No liberal view

Paths of misery

Are what I am testimony to

 

This courage in wisdom

Is Gods gift of time

 

                        April 14-15 1991

   more »

I wanted to make it

I thought you felt the same

I wanted to make it

Now you are to blame

For the failure of you and I

And invisible tears, Tears I won’t cry

 

Tears no tears, you can’t see my tears

They just are not there

At least there is enough for us both to share

It was you and I before it was them

 

First I made you, now you are his, anyone can polish silver

That I loved you, true love must follow

That it’s not true is too much to swallow

 

So I’m fine without you

You’re fine without me

This separate perfection has blinded us, see?

 

When time gives my mind back to me

It won’t be a case of the heart after all

After all we’ve been through after all

I wish I could find what is on my mind

What I say to you; you misconstrue

I saw envy eyes outside of us

What I see now; a willful you

 

Desolate tribulation

No answers, no clues

Oh, after all this time, just what in the world is going on in your mind?

So words continue to escape

So words on words, nothing takes shape.

 

Then on I go, there’s a spy following you, a ghost haunting you

He’s undercover and follows through walls

And the doors you close

This secret you keep bothers only one person who knows

So please let it be known

You can’t steal what’s been given to you

You cannot heal what’s always been blue

Not like your mood, choose pink ...or blue

Can’t make a lie of what’s always been true

Oh.... after all this time...

It’s crazy insane not to know your own mind

Now what’s on mine

Tears no ...   more »