The Modern Rules of Men for Women
These are a set of rules, answers and instructions all women must abide by with their man. You should have no problem memorizing them all as women have the capacity to never forget.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
We are not shallow because we are honest. You only call us shallow because we are honest.
We know if we answer a question you'll just ask another. That is why we leave the room.
We say we are sorry because we know you won't.
Jewelry is the stupidest thing a man can spend his money on.
We don't like shopping because we don't want to carry your bags.
We can't be what you want us to be because we still need to be deprogrammed from what our last girlfriend made us to be.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
When you yell at us, we don't hear you.
On behalf of all men; to avoid any more lengthy arguments keep my faults down to two. Everything I say. Everything I do.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
Yes we decide if we will marry you after we see what your mother looks like.
"Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
To collect on our life insurance policy simply admit you were wrong about anything. You'll also have to effectively convince us you meant it otherwise we will only experience a good laugh.
Never use the words "don't" or "stop" unless used together.
You can have the last word in every argument. Anything after that is a new argument.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Men don't want your sympathy. We want your affection.
Men are afraid to be your best friend because they don't want to be treated like a dog.
"How was your day?" does not mean "How was your day?"
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You have too many headaches. See a doctor.
To earn our undying respect for honesty you should admit it, "size matters".
If you are bitching about us to your girlfriends, then you better tell us otherwise I'll just be the next idiot like your last boyfriend. Unless you like dating idiots.
If you really want to date a nice guy, stop dating good looking assholes.
If we don't call you it is because we are doing something we enjoy.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girl, don't expect us to treat you like one.
We know you hang around someone not as pretty as you to build your self esteem.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
We only love BJ's for the quiet.
We look at your breast because they are big or pointy. How is that our fault?
We enjoy sex more than video games. Confirm this anytime by standing in front of the TV naked.
We like it when you tell us what you want us to do to you in bed.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
(This article is of course a joke, any similarities to the truth is pure coincidence. You know men are not that smart.)
