There are things we need, and things we want.  Needs and desires.  In times like these many of us have learned the difference while others continue to be oblivious to these important truths.   If you've read my articles on decadence then you know what I mean.

There is one area in life were these two starkly different values collide and confuse.  Frankly they seem to become one.  Do we need someone to care or do we need them to just appear to care?  If they don't yet they pretend to care, then you could easily categorize that as a want.  Because if it isn't real, then did you ever need it?

What is it we need in a relationship to sustain it?  Is it love?  After all, love is at best in today's world a perception.  Rarely is it manifest in emotional honesty. 

Take for instance this example of a girl I once dated.  Tell me if you've had one of these late night conversations were neither of you could hang up the phone.  She spoke of love and the desire to have that closeness with someone she could always count on - and equally important, that she could be counted on. What man wouldn't want that?   Subsequently the layers of defense in us were lowered, one-by-one we spoke of the things we wanted.   We spoke of what we perceived love to be.  We spoke of wanting something special and being that close to each other so that on any day we were apart, we were together in spirit.   Who hasn't wanted that? 

But the integrity of a woman is only as deep as her mood.  As with others, she was inevitably emotionally dishonest. I did what I always do.  I walked away quietly with my dignity intact.  I even gave her an out so she could hold her own head up.  Oh sure I felt the pain of loss.   But you come to terms with wants and desires because in the end, did I need what I was never given?  If the love you receive is a fraud, is it love? If affection is deception is it real?  If neither is genuine then they cannot be needs. 

I think this is why so many of us are able to walk away from love.  God knows I have.  More times than I care to recall; but I do...

I recall a girl I dated once.  She made fun of me as we both worked for competing companies.  But I liked her.  I charmed her, I went right at her with all I had. She had a boyfriend and I challenged her to move on as she was with the wrong guy.  Which for me was not an easy decision.  She was a daunting challenge as the boyfriend was a doctor.   Now... before you call me a home wrecker, I did not kiss her or anything to that affect.  But we spent many nights on the phone while she drove home from late nights at work.  While the idea of forbidden love was in play because we worked in direct competition of each other, we never talked work.    Then one day I got the call.  She broke up with him.  We didn't waste any time.  We began to date.  I will tell you all this straight.  Our romance was lead up to by conversations that had nothing to do with romance in the sense I've always seen it.  She was my equal and my friend, we just got along.   For all our romance there was none.  She was talking about spending a life with me.  Her father in Chicago was a lawyer and was a member of the Polo Club, she made it clear my life with her would be set.  With no foundation of love because of my own religious beliefs ...one day I woke up from bed and looked at her standing in the bathroom naked.  Her silhouette was unbecoming.   Call it my fatal flaw but with the sight of her pot belly, I found myself completely unattracted to her. 

Now for you women reading this, let me make this clear.  I was much younger.  I was superficial, but if I'm going to tell this story I'm not going to lie.  Without saying a word to her, I distanced myself from her.  One night she got blitzed drunk with her girlfriends and called me while sloshed.  It too was a turn off but more importantly it was my reason to exit.  I left her emotionally battered and I did feel guilty later. In fact of many girls, I remember her to this day because I took that shame with me for a lifetime it appears. 

I told this story for a reason though.  I was operating from wants and desires.  She was operating from need, yet I thought for a time they were both the same.  I thought her wants and my needs were the same.  Because they were not, I was able to walk away emotionally unbound.  I learned from that experience and many others that what we as lovers want and need are when we suffer emotional fallout. 

When you need someone, truly need them you feel pain.  When you want them, you get over them.  Desire is an unbridled beast that changes its own mind.   I've been on the losing end of desire when it became a need, so don't worry I've gotten my fair share of payback.   

Love will manifest itself.  For me, I need someone that is emotionally honest.  See there, I used the word "need".  My need is emotional honesty.  It is basic for me as I was in a marriage of betrayal.  Once a victim you see things differently or should I say your 'needs' become specific.  Your needs become clear.  Your needs and wants have clear division. 

If you are in a relationship of any sort, I think you should ask yourself these questions I've put forth.  You may be in something nascent and full of romance or perhaps you've been with the same man or woman for 20 years.   In both cases, you may want to ask, "Are the things I need, real?"  Am I working from perception or is the person I'm with a lover of integrity?