There are men and there are boys. In romance and dating these two are vastly different. I'd have to say for me personally I was not a man until I was a solid 28 or 29. I think up to that point dating for me was innocent, romantic and mainly, immature. Not in the sense that I was a child. I just didn't have ALL it took to be everything a woman needed in a relationship. I mean from romantic savvy to sexual contact. What do I mean by romantic savvy? I mean if she wasn't interested, I needed to have the ability walk away because I had my own life. One she wanted to be a part of or admired. A man can't be anything to a woman until he's something to himself. Call me a late bloomer, I'm sure many guys hit their stride by 26 but I think that's the point of which a boy may become a man. There is so much more to this area I could write a book, I'll stop there. Then there is sexual contact. I'll keep this PG as best I can. Pleasing a woman is an art. It takes time to understand any woman, let alone an entire segment. Women of 23 have totally different priorities than women of 30 and so on. But each and every one are demanding otherwise they'd sleep with every man they met. Women are selective for a reason and once you are in bed with a woman, the relationship takes on a whole new dimension. Never underestimate the power of sexual compatibility. Strange as this may sound and I only speak for myself (I'm not being over-confident) I became a better lover after marriage. I'll stop there. I don't want you to lose sight ...   more »

Since I have a great deal of new friends reading up on my 'relationship' articles I think today I'll visit the issue of compromising your integrity.  I'll use personal experience to write from.

But first...What is integrity? Defined in ethics, integrity is how your actions hold up to your principals. When it comes to integrity as it relates to your values in romance, we can often find ourselves compromising those values in order to keep a person in our life that strains the principals we believe in for ourselves.

I knew a girl.  She was different for me than others.  Was she amazing or special?  Maybe not to the rest of the world, but to me she was. She was... just different... you know. Chemistry.  That one thing that makes one person special to you. We met with the intention of a relationship.  Late night talks, sharing secrets.  We've all been there.   You know the conversations where you both let your guard down and expose that you may be good at being alone, but better as a couple.  The conversations where you tell each other that deep down inside you'd like someone in your life that had your back. And not just anyone, because god knows we can all settle.  We can all find someone, but to have someone special... that's something few of us find.    We both agreed we thought we found that in each other.   Been there too? 

Now stay with me as I need to paint a broad brushstroke here so you can understand the greater point.  And there will be a few lessons to learn here...

Somewhere after week two she backs off.  OK. I can accept that, the question is why?  No answer.  In fact she not only backs away from a romantic interest, she doesn't blow me off either.  She does what most men would consider a worse thing.  She says she wants me as a friend. 

Now for you men, you can relate to the attitude of thinking, "This is BS, I'm not settling for the friend zone".  I wasn't about to either.   But my instinct told me that if she wasn't interested at all, why keep me around? 

Well I decided to follow my instinct.   She told me date other women, so I did - knowing that women are jealous creatures.  I figured this alone may get her to step up.   At first I told her. She seemed intimidated by it but accepted it because it was the mandate she set down.  In short she had to eat crow.  But for all that eating crow, she wasn't coming back from the 'friend zone'.   At one point I was intimate with someone else and I felt like garbage after-wards.  But the fact is I wanted to either be with the girl I cared about or move on.  My own experimenting with dating told me my feelings for this particular girl were real.   It seemed moving on wasn't the easy option I had hoped it would be.  I re-focused on her.  She pushed away, then explained to me she pushes away people she cares about. 

Oh yeah... I'm confused. I'm wondering if   more »

I will say this once, there exceptions to every rule.  Now here is the rule.  We all date according to our income, and those people of the same income bracket travel the same circles.  You don't see stars dating electricians.  By this reason when you date people around you, it's usually because you live in that neighborhood and afford a similar lifestyle.   Am I saying compatibility is determined by income?  No.  I'm saying "(in general) the people we meet and date is based on the social circles our income leads us to.  

Middle class earners date middle class people.  Lower class people end up with rednecks.  The upper class... well they just couldn't do it any other way.  A big exception there is beauty jumps classes.  A rich man will take a drop dead gorgeous woman from any class, take the modern romance film Pretty Woman for example or the classic My Fair Lady. 

Save the exceptions, the concept of dating by pay-grade couldn't be more true than with online dating where people can filter out dating candidates based on income. 

In a chance real world meeting we don't decide to date a person based on income.  Instead we filter them out after meeting them.  One factor is that our desire is affected by a potential partners ambition, not actual income.  

With online dating the two primary factors people use in their immediate decision of attraction are looks and distance.  How good a person looks will dictate how far a person is willing to allow them self to drive to see someone.  But there is a third variable... income.  In the case of online dating desire is based as much on income as other important factors such as look, age and distance.  I'm not saying this is wrong or right. 

This doesn't mean if someone earns more than you they won't date you.  But in the role reversal of women earning more than a man, it does put stress on the relationship.   The greater point here is that no one dates a person of drastically different income.     A 100k per year earner is not likely to date a 28k a year earner, but a 58k and a 48k duo will happen.   These income examples apply more so with women that earn more than a man. 

Heard the saying stay on your side of the tracks?  Well it exists for a reason.  Do you think business class travelers will meet someone to date in coach? If you earn better money, you'll buy the better ticket and meet the people that match your lifestyle.  Those chance meetings then are dictated by the money you earn or have.

I once   more »

Have you ever had someone tell you, "We don't want the same things."?

I love that.  I myself have said it to people in the past.  What does it mean?  I can tell you what it doesn't mean.  It doesn't mean you don't want the same things. 

What it means is that you both want the same things, you just don't want them with the person you are saying it to. 

So next time someone says to you in a break up, "We don't want the same things."  Tell them point blank in response, "No. We do want the same things. You just don't want them with me."  Then, pick your ass up and walk away with your dignity intact.  Otherwise you can just waste your time chasing someone that just tried to blow you off but you were too stupid to realize you stood a snowball's chance in hell. 

Now having said that, I will freely admit I've tried to fight that statement in the past, but only on a few occasions and only for so long.  In time I learned to recognize the true meaning of the statement "We don't want the same things." 

But hey, it's why I   more »

It's cool, it's hip, it's here... Texting is the NEW talking!

It's true. Texting has replaced talking.  Sure it's common for teens.  Passing notes is a thing of the past.   For established friendships, it's become a means of commenting on life with no ill-effects.  For instance consider these inane remarks made amongst friends:


In the lifestyle of short messages, text messages allow us to interact with friends in fun social commentary, but what many have been slow to realize is that text messaging has also replaced talking on the phone for daters.  Women are the agent provocateurs.  Almost every aspect of your communicating is limited to text messaging.  As a man, if you fight this, you will lose and be as uncool as a man could ever hope to be.  It's here guys. Learn it, accept it.   Accept the fact you will communicate without tone, you will articulate your most sincere emotions without ever coming face-to-face and  facial expressions will be replaced by emoticons, i.e.  :-) for a smile or  ;-) for a wink.   Your intellect will be lowered when you no longer spell the word "you" in a traditional sense. You'll substitute the letter 'u'  for the word 'you'  and you'll deem that acceptable communicating. 

Now unless you are married or just not someone with a solid circle of friends, you know this behavior is now, wait for it... Normal.  In 2008 Nielsen reported that phone owners were out-texting phone calls by a number of 357 to 204 on average per month per user.  Another interesting point of the texting lifestyle is that people whom have adopted the text lifestyle limit themselves to a small circle of contacts cycling out those that do not text regularly with them. 

DATERS BEWARE - DATERS PREPARE

What is perhaps most important to learn is that at some point early on, if you don't have some level of real personal contact, then your text message conversations will replace talking and allow a woman to hide behind the allusion of a real relationship where you will both face disillusion when   more »

I had an argument once with a lover.  I have to tell you she was the first woman in years to provoke me into telling her what I thought of her.  Not how I viewed her on a whole but those little idiosyncrasies that if you mentioned, would hurt their feelings.   You know... those little things that annoy you about the person you are with, but you just don't say.  You find yourself just eating resentment for the sake of a safe relationship.   Well during what appeared a permanent break up  she broke me down or I just didn't care...  I let her have it.  Verbally.  I told her most every little thing that was wrong with her. Let also repeat, she provoked me.  Was I wrong to react? Absolutely but I should also be understood that I didn't draw first blood. It was her that said some ugly things meant to be cruel and inflict emotional pain.  One could argue that what is good enough for the goose is good enough for the gander.   (What's good for a girl is good for a boy).

In retrospect I think, why her?  We all have break ups.  Ninety-Nine Percent of mine are amicable.  Why then with the few others I've had unflattering break-ups with  had I chosen this one woman to insult?  To be dead honest, the reason I came to accept it,  is that in some of those break-ups I was the one being dumped.  I was the one that deserved better than to be insulted on the way out and instead of reacting, I responded without counter-attacking. I walked away without uttering a negative word.  But on the occasion I'm speaking of I lost some self-respect.   It was only so long that I could be a 'nice' guy before I finally cracked.  She was the unfortunate recipient of my ire.  Having said this, I could been more venomous with my words.  I  was restrained, but for all my restraint I'm left with this one fact.  I can't take those words back.  I believe I said them because I felt I wouldn't have to reconsider my words.   Still, I didn't need to worry in the past either yet I kept my trap shut.  

Of course in today's world, women don't fight fair either.  You can hold the winning hand of righteousness but proclaim it and they'll fight dirty for the sake of winning. It almost makes no sense.  I think that's another reason I'm motivated to just know what I know and leave unscathed.   Before I was married, I dated a girl that I caught cheating.  My friend called me from the restaurant telling me I should come see for myself.  When I did, I sat down and said, "Did I catch you at a bad time?"  Her reaction?  Days later she started calling the police accusing me of harassing her.   So even in the right you can find yourself being screwed over.  Better to just move on with the knowledge of being right. So if you women readers think men don't get their fair share of nut-jobs and stalkers... wrong.  I think another reason was I've seen men get run over by game playing and once again I let myself react as I felt like it was time a guy didn't just 'take it'.

I don't know how it is for all men.  I can only speak for myself but I'm not the type to argue.  If you piss me off, I'll   more »

Don't you love it when people say one thing and do another?  Or are you the type that can't determine what to believe based on words?  I mean, someone tells you they feel one way, but their actions spell a different meaning.

Then if you tell them you know the truth, their answer is "think what you want".  Now that's funny.  I think the real answer is they want you to think against your own intellect.  They want you to misread the truth and assume the position they want you to believe in.

People, this is why God granted us instinct. I use it every day.  I once forgot to rely on it.  I suggest you go with yours. 
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There are things we need, and things we want.  Needs and desires.  In times like these many of us have learned the difference while others continue to be oblivious to these important truths.   If you've read my articles on decadence then you know what I mean.

There is one area in life were these two starkly different values collide and confuse.  Frankly they seem to become one.  Do we need someone to care or do we need them to just appear to care?  If they don't yet they pretend to care, then you could easily categorize that as a want.  Because if it isn't real, then did you ever need it?

What is it we need in a relationship to sustain it?  Is it love?  After all, love is at best in today's world a perception.  Rarely is it manifest in emotional honesty. 

Take for instance this example of a girl I once dated.  Tell me if you've had one of these late night conversations were neither of you could hang up the phone.  She spoke of love and the desire to have that closeness with someone she could always count on - and equally important, that she could be counted on. What man wouldn't want that?   Subsequently the layers of defense in us were lowered, one-by-one we spoke of the things we wanted.   We spoke of what we perceived love to be.  We spoke of wanting something special and being that close to each other so that on any day we were apart, we were together in spirit.   Who hasn't wanted that? 

But the integrity of a woman is only as deep as her mood.  As with others, she was inevitably emotionally dishonest. I did what I always do.  I walked away quietly with my dignity intact.  I even gave her an out so she could hold her own head up.  Oh sure I felt the pain of loss.   But you come to terms with wants and desires because in the end, did I need what I was never given?  If the love you receive is a fraud, is it love? If affection is deception is it real?  If neither is genuine then they cannot be needs. 

I think this is why so many of us are able to   more »